You’ve got a lot of bummers clogging up that beautiful brain of yours. Let’s give you a clean slate!
“Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.”
“My friend says you haven’t lived until you’ve tasted his homemade carbonara. Weird stance on abortion, if you ask me.”
“Paddy is woken in the middle of the night by a phone call. The caller says, ‘Is that Dublin 22 33 22?’ Paddy says, ‘No it’s Dublin 223 322!’ The caller apologizes for waking him in the middle of the night. Paddy says, ‘Oh it’s all right I had to get up to answer the phone anyhow!’”
“Kids take ages to grow. The average Brit doesn’t move out for 26.3 years. Do you know how long it takes the average harp seal to move out? Twelve days. Most Brits haven’t even learned to drink by then.”
“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
“The triple jump world record is only a hop, skip and a jump away.”
“I can’t even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.”
“How do you tell the difference between a bugler and a burglar? One of them has a bugle. And the other one is really upset that his bugle’s been stolen.”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“How can I explain pan-sexuality to my family? They think falafel is a capital city.”
“My aunt used to say, ‘What you can’t see, can’t hurt you.’ Well, she died of radiation poisoning a few months back.”
“I was asked to watch someone’s laptop while they went to the bathroom. And it was stolen, but I saw the whole thing.”
“I was just in London. There’s a six-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.”
“I’m what you’d call a Renaissance man. I’m skilled across the arts, and I’ve probably got syphilis.”
“A Scout troop consists of 12 little kids dressed like schmucks, following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.”