The 12 Best Burns from the Network Upfronts
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Matt Solomon
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- May 15, 2024
The network upfronts are supposed to be a way for broadcasters to preview next season’s best shows for the advertisers that ultimately pay for them. But somehow, the gatherings have become a showcase for late-night comics to bite the hands that feed them — and a few competitor hands while they’re at it, according to coverage from The Hollywood Reporter and The Wrap. Here are an even dozen of the harshest burns ignited by the network’s own comedians...
1Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
1
Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
“Golden Bachelor is a key part of our strategy to steal CBS’ viewers by putting them in a house together. We’re now launching the Golden Bachelorette, a game show where you can win an old lady. Joan is our new Golden Bachelorette. She has four kids and two grandchildren. Are the grandkids ready to see grandma get raw-dogged in a jacuzzi?”
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2Seth Meyers, NBC
2
Seth Meyers, NBC
“Peacock continues to prove that the easiest way to make a billion dollars is to spend eight.”
3Reese Witherspoon, Amazon
3
Reese Witherspoon, Amazon
“I’m the fucking queen of looking cute while sleeping.”
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4Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
4
Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
“Bob (Iger) tried to sell (ABC) last year. He put us up for sale. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, no one wanted to buy us. When no one was interested, Bob explained that he didn’t mean he literally wanted to sell us, he was just testing the waters for Wall Street. You know, Bob, when people test the waters, they usually dip in a toe, they don’t drown their children.”
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5Seth Meyers, NBC
5
Seth Meyers, NBC
“Not to brag, it’s been a very good day for me, I found $20 on the street this morning. Long story short, I’m one of the two finalists for Paramount.”
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6Jamie Foxx, Fox
6
Jamie Foxx, Fox
“We got some great alcohol after this, too. We’re gonna get you all fucked up. That’s what you’re waiting for.”
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7Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
7
Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
“We have a sports bundle. ESPN is teaming up with Fox and Warner Bros. Discovery to give subscribers live games, fantasy sports and betting. It’s a package we’re calling ‘Weekend at Divorced Dad’s House.’”
8Seth Meyers, NBC
8
Seth Meyers, NBC
“If you’re looking for the Fox News upfront, that’s happening outside a Lower Manhattan courthouse.”
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10Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
10
Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
“This new season shows you the Kardashians like you’ve never seen them before, assuming you’ve never seen them before. Otherwise, it’s exactly the same shit as the last 17 years.”
11Seth Meyers, NBC
11
Seth Meyers, NBC
“There’s an exciting new show, NBC has announced a new drama called The Hunting Party. It stars South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem and the dog from Frasier.”
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12Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
12
Jimmy Kimmel, ABC
“Things are changing at CBS and not for the better. Young Sheldon is coming to an end after seven seasons. I know, I haven’t seen it either. But what I do know is that there’s a 100 percent chance that somewhere at CBS headquarters right now there is a whiteboard with the words ‘Old Sheldon?’ written on it.”
