27 of the Funniest Tweets from Tuesday, May 14, 2024

What’s the least amount of time someone’s been on television while still walking away with one of the industry’s biggest honors? If you guessed one minute and forty-nine seconds, you’d be absolutely correct. Claire Foy’s Emmy win for her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth II in the fourth season of The Crown led to some structural changes within the nomination parameters — parameters that likely pushed ABC to ensure that Bradley Cooper’s guest spot as himself on Abbott Elementary this year totaled at least 116 seconds. The Television Academy’s revamp requires actors to appear in five percent of a show’s runtime in order to be eligible, and Philadelphia’s own nearly doubled that requirement with his appearance in the 20-minute episode.

Meanwhile, the Nintendo Cinematic Universe is coming for us. In a recent interview with Screen RantChris Pratt hinted that The Super Mario Bros. Movie 2 is “just the beginning,” and that there are more storylines beyond Mario, Peach and Donkey Kong on the way. The self-proclaimed “Nintendo head” says there’s “no limit” for characters like Zelda and Link to piggyback off the smash success of the first film. If all is right in the world, a shot-for-shot remake of Challengers using Wii Sports characters will be among these NCU offerings.

Either way, Bradley Cooper and Bowser are no match for the most memorable characters on the timeline. Today’s funniest tweets include those about a pillow vampires would hate, a refreshing bidet experience and a pride flag for your high school bullies.


Patrick @nojustpat.2 21h ... Can't stop thinking about this back piece holy fuck A 5 Liked by tat 2 rich and 4 403 others 82 1,636 28.7K 1.1M


slayworldalbania @slayworld... 19h : sma beautiful wife and 12 million dollars KJ @K0113X· 1d *KETCHUP DOES NOT EXIST* what you having with these??? 46 3,396 57.7K 1.6M


Alex @alexinquotes 15h What it feels like when your friend picks you up 170 4,536 39.3K 1.1M


rosey @thechosenberg- 1d ... Went to Dunkin in Europe and they had this warning at the counter - - DUNKIN' BEFORE PL YOUR OR All of our PLEASE I Iced drinks YOUR SE A PERS have to be PARTY made with DUNKII - - BASKIN FOOD Ice. LOOD 370 2,545 81.5K 4.1M


david baguetta @bakebythep... 20h ... I HAVE BEEN GIFTED A GARLIC PILLOW 240 8,499 120K del 2.7M


FAT GANDALF @sofarrsogud. 1d ... It was a strawberry bidet The kind you find in The Home Depot HomeDecorld 19 127 1,084 37.1K


Michael @Mikemccarthaaay 1d The way it's slowly turning into a pride flag Andrew Saltz @mr_saltz.2d I use the Hard R Pride Flagjust dropped CORRECTIONS DISPATCH EMS NURSE FIREFIGHTER POLICE MILITARY 120 9,619 163K da 3.6M


abdoul @abdoulxc 1d whatever happened to the literature exam was easy? 3h ago Hamza I bent shakespeare over 276 19.9K 222K 5.3M


Kristen Mulrooney @missmulro....1 1d ... Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks). 64 819 27.8K 428K


Latest Topic @Rese605114... 22h ... I Was Doordashing Earlier & Zaxbys Told Him They Were Out Of Chicken Sandwiches And Couldn't Substitute His Item & Lets Just Say Не Didn't Take It So Well store bet Why is that so hard? They have Received just now everything else why do they have a sandwich advertised if they can't fucking make the Tell em keep that energy god damn sandwich Received just now Received 1 min ago They gone remember me tn yea they ain't tryna do it u gotta everybody is cancel Received just now Sent just now America gone


MODEST MOUSE Axe @westernunion2k-1 17h 24811812513198111524 6h 210 This is why a strong coffee to induce a strong diarrhea shit is necessary before every run. Excellent preworkout and laxative combo poptart234 6h 92 How do you remember your username? 24811812513198111524 6h 860 Each number corresponds to a special moment in my extremely eventful life. Every time I log in I go through a series slumdog millionaire type flashbacks. 31 7,853 126K 1.8M


mdh @haggardisms.2 21h Met a dog at the dog park named Gumball and it completely changed my mood. You can't meet a dog named Gumball and be a miserable asshole. 20 324 10.6K del 162K


ania @kttej39.20h I love my sister but why the fuck is she hiding potatoes behind her bed 269 3,610 53.1K 917K


LC1878 @cupidst... 21h ... A teacher once said I'd be no good at poetry due to my dyslexia. So far, I've made 2 jugs, a vase, and an ashtray, so fck you, Mrs Collins 266 8,211 129K 2.8M


lari @martiniposting 1d perfect career < Film David McNally BACK David McNally (born 1960) is a British- Canadian director of film and television. Не is best known for directing Coyote Ugly and Kangaroo Jack. DIRECTOR OF 2 FILMS 50% KANGAROO COYOTE UGLY JACK BROOKLY 11 230 4,737 140K


Heather Hogan @theheatherho... . 1d ... When all my friends started liking boys and I couldn't figure out why, I did this thing where I'd always just pick the tallest boy in whatever group and say I had a crush on him. Reason: He's tall? And it worked. People believed me. Because I'm tall. Anyway my wife is 5'1. 18 80 3,601 del 64.1K


comfy @ihatethiskid14h You kind of look similar to this man? You ever get that before??? Maybe like the Walmart version Was the last part necessary 9 12 828 31.8K


Blight Yoakam @Vomit_Dragon 1d ... I'm hitting G forces on the forklift that would make a fighter pilot fucking shit himself 96 4,582 43K 4.1M


hannah jo @whoahannahjo 20h throwback to the time i was tasked with making the invitations for our pool party save the date for the wedding of and Your body Our Pool iStock Stock iStock iStock gettyimages - iStock iStock It will be a Great time we will not hurt you Saturday, Oct 1st 1pm 32 507 15.3K 423K


Porky the Litter Eater @Borin... 19h ... ive been following this account for years and this is the single most ominous thing ive seen from it Unsecured CCTV Cameras 19h Automated Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 156 1,250 36.5K 4M


Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969.22h ... i think they're being overly optimistic regarding the canine literacy rate NO BARKING 15 246 2,682 53K


Jumpin On Another Jet @R... 19h ... 4 Sounds like Scooby-Doo talking Rap Alert @rapalert6.20h Rih, Rocky, RZA, & Riot 93 2,635 17.1K 759K


grimace eats ass @AssGrimace 14h ... me subtlety asking for a bump Rhadijah + @gwen... . 17h found this big ass key at the thrift today Imao CC 10 770 12.8K 831K


Arwen @OATMILKLATTE 1d ai can't do this. Can't create this. This beauty. Raw Ricky Knuckles @TheRick... 2d Type of shit I'm on 87 12.3K 166K 5.9M


uncanny valley girl @girlofthem... 1d ... When I was younger I used to put this cutout of my dad's head on his clothes when I missed him HARLENG NOCTHAWA 76 1,325 65.3K 1.2M


Big Tucson Dad @BigTucso... 20h ... That's him. That's John Deere. GZ @GalaxyZeinz. 1d i don't wanna work grandpa , , let me go play fortnite 34 8,695 126K 5.6M


Dan Carney @DanManCarney 2h ... Al is coming for our jobs I would love to see an Al robot sell adderall to its nephew's friends 3 310 5,228 del 176K