14 Sad Jokes for Sad Folks

14

Stewart Lee Says Technology and Progress Should Have Stopped Around the Time of the Printing Press

“The man who had read everything published today would be more stupid than a man who had read nothing. That’s not a good state of affairs.”

13

What’s Sadder Than Las Vegas? Maybe Glasgow, According to Frankie Boyle

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: They’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.”

12

Anthony Jeselnik on the Perils of Chocoholism

“My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. ‘Get me away from those Hershey’s bars. I’m addicted to them.’ It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car, and I drove her downtown. I pointed out a crack addict, and I said, ‘Do you see that, honey? Why can’t you be that skinny?’”

11

Jimmy Carr on World War III

“I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s problem.”

10

Ricky Gervais Confirms Your Biggest Unemployment Fears With This Management Advice

“Avoid employing unlucky people; throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.”

9

Katherine Ryan on English Singer Cheryl Tweedy — And the Inherent Evil Behind Celebrity Worship

“‘I am the nation’s sweetheart.’ No, you’re the answer to the question: how beautiful do you have to be to make the nation forget about your racial assault charge?”

8

Michael McIntyre on How to Make the Worst of a Bad Situation

“I’m good at hello, I’m not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. Every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you’re on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation. ‘Of course I’ll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I’ll say a few words… Byeeeeee!’ Why am I doing that?”

7

Jim Gaffigan on the Cruelty and Confusion of Funerals

“We’re all gonna go, and then our loved ones will do our funeral. That’s harsh, right? The people closest to the deceased are put in charge. It’s like, ‘We know you’re in a very vulnerable state, but time to host a party.’

“They’re in shock. Everyone at a funeral’s in shock. If you’re not a little surprised at a funeral, you’re the murderer. ‘It was so unexpected.’ ‘Not for me.’

“People are caught off guard at a funeral. But I want my funeral to be a total surprise. Like when I die, I don’t want anyone to be told. I just want evites to go out to friends: ‘Last-minute party. Come on over, big announcement.’ And then when my friends arrive: ‘Jim’s dead.’ ‘Is there anything I can do?’ ‘Come look at the body.’ Because that’s essentially what happens at funerals. ‘Come look at the dead body.’”

6

Gaffigan on Death Again, This Time Choreographing His Dream Funeral

“Funerals are weird. Open casket, closed casket. I want to be sitting up in my casket. You know, just sitting there. Eyes open. I’d like to be positioned near the doorway, so when people enter the room, they’re like, ‘What the hell?’

5

Russell Howard on Waning Happiness Levels

“English kids are the most depressed in the developed world. It’s hard to get my head around because they’ve got it all: iPads, Heelys… What did we have? ‘Chinese burns’ and slapsies.”

4

Sarah Millican on the Only Scientifically Reliable Weight Loss Program

“If I had a diet program, it would be called ‘A Big Shit and A Haircut.’”

3

Doug Stanhope’s Radical Acceptance of Chemical Dependence

“If you’re gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.”

2

Jack Dee Knows the Hardest Time to Make Friends Is When You Don’t Have Any

“My local’s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night — first question was, ‘What the fuck are you looking at?’”

1

Oscar Pistorius’ Achilles’ Heel, According to Frankie Boyle

“The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened.”