Is an animal going extinct a great tragedy of the world?
Of course it is. The knowledge that no human will ever again see a particular species in real life, and instead have to head to the internet or the Smithsonian, is humbling. Sometimes, that comes with the knowledge that we’re implicitly responsible, ending in shaking heads and a respectful “how could we?” Some animals, also, are so inherently cool that it’s a massive bummer that they’ve been wiped off the map.
But along with the heavily poached West African Black rhinoceros or the thoroughly sick thylacine, there are some animals that, well, kinda had it coming.
Possibly the most famous extinct animal in the world, and the touchstone for any school class explaining extinction. I’d argue it’s not a great introduction, because if you’re trying to warn children about the dangers of extinction, you shouldn’t then show them a picture of what looks like the dumbest animal to ever exist. It’s hard to feel especially bad about the Dutch showing up on an island populated with fat, flightless birds and immediately thinking, “Well, there’s our food sorted.”
Another animal that suffered from being an absolutely ideal foodstuff is the Steller’s sea cow. With a name like that, you already know it wasn’t an animal treated with an outpouring of reverence. Again, humans found themselves in an inhospitable environment, namely the sea, and got hungry. That was terrible news for the Steller’s sea cow, which was basically a floating care package filled with 11 tons of high-calorie vittles. It feels like an animal that was specifically bred to keep sailors alive. I’m surprised they even made it to human hands, instead of existing for about two weeks and then the world’s sharks just being fat for a couple years.
This is a regular pika, so imagine this, but… giant.
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Look, I hear your “awwwwwwwwwwwwws.” Yes, I agree that pikas are incredibly cute, and I sure would have liked to have the opportunity to see a giant one up close. Preferably close enough that I could also pat it on its little head. At the same time, I have to admit, looking at this picture, that you might as well have given it the official species name of “Bird Feast.” If you’re a predator, and one of these pops up from between the rocks, it’s as close to a vision of a dancing drumstick as you can get. Weighing in at up to four ounces, they were literally the ecosystem’s natural Quarter-Pounder. If Kraft Singles occurred in nature, they would have been extinct twice as fast.
The opposite of the pika, in that it was a massive fucking asshole that no human wanted to see. They weren’t lacking in any evolutionary way, being terrifying killing machines and all. In fact, scientists still aren't totally sure why they went extinct. What I can tell you is that, given a time machine and the ability to deliver that news to the humans that shared a timeframe with them, there would have been a massive celebration. All they had to do was be nice, and let us ride them like He-Man, and we’d probably be buying them little sweaters and/or using them to guard warehouses.
What the hell is going on here? I respect the bravery and the reckless abandon with which this particular branch of evolution pursued “tusks on the chin,” but this isn’t a recipe for continued success. It feels like evolution was A/B testing elephants, and it’s pretty clear which of the two won. A pretty good indicator that your big swing on a new body part didn’t pan out is when scientists of the future still can’t totally figure out what the fuck you were going for.
Eli Yudin
