The English language is about 1,400 years old. It seems almost impossible that it took this long for someone to string together these words in this particular order.
“I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver.”
“I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.”
“Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.”
“I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open.”
“Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning 18, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”
“Donald, I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie Wall Street is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer.”
“I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.”
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.”
“A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!”
“I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock-hard misdirection.”
“Perhaps I’m being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.”
“I went over to the neighbor’s and asked to borrow a cup of salt. ‘What are you making?’ ‘A salt lick.’”
“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”
“‘Raising awareness’ is another form of doing nothing!”