15 of the Best Lines from ‘Confess, Fletch’
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Dan Fritschie
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- January 11, 2023
After decades of the property lingering in development hell in Hollywood, we have ourselves a reboot of the Fletch franchise. Unfortunately, Confess Fletch was unceremoniously released with practically zero marketing and left to fend for itself on word-of-mouth recommendation alone, which is why we’re signal-boosting it because this film is really good!
Now, if you’re a fan of the two Chevy Chase Fletch films, Confess, Fletch is gonna be a major change for you. Chevy Chase really made the Fletch character his own, which was kinda part of the problem. He wasn’t the Fletch from Gregory Mcdonald’s brilliantly written mystery novels, this was Chevy Chase playing Chevy Chase sorta doing the same thing as the guy in the books. Jon Hamm’s take on the character, meanwhile, is much closer to the novels while incorporating Hamm’s natural comedic chops and leading man charm. Plus, the supporting cast is incredible, especially Roy Wood Jr. as Inspector Monroe.
So, to help convince you to check out Confess, Fletch for yourself, here are 15 of our favorite lines from the film, while keeping spoilers to a minimum — but you know, be forewarned, spoilers.
15The Cops’ Lack of Urgency
15
The Cops’ Lack of Urgency
Fletch: Hi, this is I.M. Fletcher calling from 5 Union Park.
Officer: (on phone) Yeah, and…?
Fletch: There’s a murdered woman downstairs.
Officer: There’s a what woman?
Fletch: Murdered.
Officer: Well, uh, this is just a general precinct line. If you’re scheduling a meeting or something like that.
Fletch: Yeah, well, this is just a courtesy call.
Officer: A courtesy call? You got a murder, you call 9-1-1.
Fletch: Well, the emergency part’s kinda over, you know?
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14Interviewing a Pretentious ‘Lifestyle Curator’
14
Interviewing a Pretentious ‘Lifestyle Curator’
Tatiana Tasserly: Every single piece I curate is bespoke.
Fletch: Ooh. Bespoke. I love that word. What does it mean again?
Tatiana Tasserly: Bespoke?
Fletch: Bespoke.
Tatiana Tasserly: Uh, it’s when an object bespeaks. It… Be-talks. It... No, wait. It be-teaches us something about ourselves.
Fletch: Wow. Thank you. Yeah. I think I have my pull quote.
13What Not to Say in the Back of a Police Car
13
What Not to Say in the Back of a Police Car
“Hey, guys, is there a way we can call in a coffee order? I’d kill for a macchiato. Not literally.”
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12Keeping Work in Perspective
12
Keeping Work in Perspective
Angela: Good for you, but you’re not a detective.
Fletch: No, but I was an investigative reporter of some repute. I don’t do much of that anymore.
Angela: Why?
Fletch: It’s an occupation that’s been cheapened by the digital age, like president.
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11Any Fletch/Monroe Back-and-Forth, Such As…
11
Any Fletch/Monroe Back-and-Forth, Such As…
Inspector Monroe: Would you mind stepping out of the car please, Mr. Fletcher?
Fletch: Okay, but I’ll only stay for two or three insults. Four, max.
Inspector Monroe: This is a nice car for a broke asshole.
Fletch: That’s one.
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10On the Matter of Beards
10
On the Matter of Beards
Fletch: Does he have a beard now?
Angela: How should I know?
Fletch: You just said you talk to him all the time.
Angela: You can’t hear a beard over the phone.
9Conflicting Instructions
9
Conflicting Instructions
Fletch: Listen, I used to be an investigative reporter of some repute. I could be very helpful in this whole matter.
Inspector Monroe: I used to play the trumpet in high school. I never offered advice to Miles Davis. Shut up and talk.
Fletch: That’s a very confusing combination of commands.
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8Monroe Soothing His Cranky Infant
8
Monroe Soothing His Cranky Infant
“It’s okay, look at the cow. Look at Mr. Moo. Daddy’s got to talk to the murderer right now.”
7On Love
7
On Love
Angela: I’ve fallen in love with married men, pathological liars, two drug dealers and a pyromaniac.
Fletch: Well, now, see, I’m only one or two of those things.
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6Talking to an Art Dealer
6
Talking to an Art Dealer
Ronald Horan: I was robbed a few years ago, so I don’t keep anything of value in the building. Those are reproductions.
Fletch: That’s how I introduce my children.
5Fletch’s Rap Sheet
5
Fletch’s Rap Sheet
Inspector Monroe: I looked into your criminal record.
Fletch: And?
Inspector Monroe: Bad check charge. Two contempt of court charges. A number of non-payment of alimony charges…
Fletch: 100 percent of most of those were dismissed.
Inspector Monroe: You’re a bit of a shady character, Mr. Fletcher.
Fletch: But I am adorable.
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4The First of Many ‘Five-Star’ Running Gags in the Movie
4
The First of Many ‘Five-Star’ Running Gags in the Movie
Fletch: You know what? Right here's fine.
Uber Driver: What? I can’t stop here.
Fletch: Understood. Maybe you have something up there I can vomit into?
[tires screeching]
Fletch: Five stars. Bye.
3That’s How Pseudonyms Work
3
That’s How Pseudonyms Work
Inspector Monroe: “Mr. Locke”?
Fletch: My pen name: Ralph Locke.
Inspector Monroe: Sounds made up.
Fletch: It’s a pen name.
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2An Out-of-Nowhere Children’s Rhyme Reference
2
An Out-of-Nowhere Children’s Rhyme Reference
Inspector Monroe: We obtained surveillance footage from a store around the corner.
Fletch: Where the fudge is made?
1A Last-Minute Dig
1
A Last-Minute Dig
Fletch spends most of the movie evading Inspector Monroe’s partner Griz, who’s been tasked with surveilling him. She’s a great comic foil, but after she swoops in and saves Fletch’s life, they have themselves a little moment.
Fletch: I never got your real name. I... I gotta know.
Griz: It’s Griselda. And I’m not ashamed of my name, Fletch. You shouldn’t be ashamed of yours either.
Fletch: Thanks.
Griz: There’s a lot of other things you could be ashamed of. Like your arrogance, your white privilege, your feet…
Fletch: Okay, well, um, thank you for saving my ass, Griselda.
