In December of 2020, I went to dinner at a friend's apartment but it was not dinner. It was an intervention. For me. My least favorite kind of intervention.
When I walked into my intervention I knew right away that it was an intervention. Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have if when you open a door and see people gathered, your first thought is this is probably an intervention about my drug problem?
Check out this extended bit to see how far Mulaney will go in owning the depths of his addiction issues:
One thing I did in rehab, one exercise is you sit down with a counselor and you delete and block all of your drug dealers' phone numbers. In some cases, you reach out to a dealer to say, “Hey, never get in touch with me again. I'm sober now.” It's called breaking up with your drug dealer.
I texted Arvin first and I said, “Hey I'm deleting and blocking you. I'm sober now. I'm never gonna buy drugs again.” And then, I'm really polite so I didn't know how to end the text so I was like “But thank you for all of the nights that became days and your inspired professionalism.”
So I send the text and before I can delete and block him, he texts me back. He goes “Hey I'm so proud of you! I'm so happy that you got sober. You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you because I was worried about you and I didn't want you to get worse stuff off the street.”
I text him back. “Oh my God, you sweet man. You said you only bought drugs to sell to me?” He says, “Yeah.” I said, “Did you sell drugs to other people?” He said no. I said, “This is a weird time to ask but are you a drug dealer?” He said, “No, I'm a painter! We talked about this!”
NBC
Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea how I know this person. So I text him. I go how did it come to be that you sell me drugs and he wrote back: “I don't know you, just kept asking.”