Ali Wong Jokes About Bill Hader’s ‘Psychopath’ Dating Ritual

There’s nothing Ali Wong loves more than being divorced. “I never thought I would have this much fun at this stage in my life. Divorce is so fun,” she said on the last night of her 12-show residency during the Netflix Is a Joke festival, as reported by Rolling Stone. “I just want to get married again, just so I could get divorced again.”

The media’s obsession with her amicable split from husband Justin Hakuta was “like a bat signal letting all potentially interested men know,” she joked. “I’ve never been pursued this much in my life.”

With “just got out of prison energy,” Wong was eager to jump back into dating, joining an app to meet new potential suitors. Before she could even get started on her new dating adventures, she got “a phone call from this guy who I met at a dinner party in the past and he got my number from a mutual friend,” she said. “He was like, ‘Hey, I just happened to hear the news about your divorce, and I’ve had a crush on you forever. I actually told my best friend years ago that you were my dream girl, and I know it sounds crazy but I want you to be my girlfriend.’”

Sorry, Charlie. “I was like, ‘I just paid $25 (for the dating app),” said Wong. “You seem really nice, but I gotta get my money’s worth.’”

But the guy wouldn’t be denied. Wong left for a European vacation soon after the call, only to find flowers waiting for her at each stop on her trip. Wong’s girlfriends thought it was a sweet gesture, but her male pals disagreed, telling her it sounded like psychopath behavior. 

Just more proof that men have become cheap and lazy, she joked: “When a fellow man commits any act of kindness, any romantic gesture, it must be a symptom of an undiagnosed mental illness.” (To be fair to Wong’s guy friends, it does take a certain amount of stalking skill to determine which hotels the comic had booked for her trip, right?)

Near the end of the show, Wong did more than reveal the identity of her romantic/psycho admirer — she invited him onstage. At that point, Bill Hader joined her, offering a single rose. Cue cheering as the comedy couple embraced.

The Barry star revealed that he was also the subject of another Wong joke from earlier in the evening. She told the tale of “Blake,” a hapless white guy who joined her for a date at a Chinese restaurant, so inept at navigating unfamiliar cuisine that he filled everyone’s rice bowls with hot tea. “When I did that, the look on Ali’s face was a mixture of embarrassment and she was so stoked,” Bill/Blake confessed. “She had this look on her face like, ‘You’re in the act, motherfucker.’”

Hader concluded the show by breaking the hearts of audience members dreaming of finding Wong on a dating app: “All I have to say is, Ali Wong is off the market.”