Cracked Writers
·
Bob Ross was a furious flyboy. Einstein was a jerkbag. Bananas are genetic abominations. It's like everything was a dream...
In the Middle Ages they removed bladder stones through your anus. "That doesn't seem anatomically correct," you might be thinking. Yeah, welcome to the Middle Ages.
"Should the stone be particularly resistant to removal, a menacing metal hook might be employed to pry it out through the cloven taint, because this was a period of history in which hooks were considered acceptable medical instruments."
We asked John Cheese to fix our computer one time but he just mailed us a butter sculpture of his middle finger.
"Wait, where's the antivirus?"
"Oh, my cousin was downloading music, and it wasn't letting him open the files, so we had to get rid of it."
Aside from maybe Jesus, famed painter Bob Ross was pretty much the nicest person who ever lived. There was a very good reason he was so mellow: He spent 20 years screaming his lungs out.
"The reason he ultimately told the military to go screw off was because he was forced to be 'a mean, tough person. And I was fed up with it. I promised myself that if I ever got away from it, it wasn't going to be that way anymore.'"
"As we've pointed out previously, we tend to view our idols through rose tinted glasses. Thankfully, our readers have volunteered to take those glasses and smash them on the ground for you."
The IRS are once again reaffirming the old adage: The only things that are certain in life are death, nuclear war, and taxes.
"The U.S. Postal Service also has a nuclear apocalypse plan dating all the way back to the '50s, and it is better than the one Kevin Costner came up with."
The banana was little more than an inedible pod of nasty-ass seeds until it was domesticated in New Guinea around 6,500 years ago.
"Hold on to your learnin' hats, because almost everything that we traditionally file in the 'natural' folder has been tampered with well beyond recognition."
Marching toward world peace, one furry kink at a time!
"The news is like a series of strangers saying, 'This milk is spoiled! Here, smell it! I SAID SMELL IT.'"
As long as you aren't Winnie the Pooh, then you're in the clear.
"According to the media, the world is a big scary place with lots of little scary things to make matters worse. But how warranted are the most common fears really?"
If Indiana Jones was a mere figment of Han Solo's imagination, then what the hell was Han doing dreaming of Short Round?
"The Nazis are obvious stand-ins for the Empire, with their soldiers serving as Stormtroopers and the black-clad Gestapo agent Arnold Toht representing Darth Vader. He even earns a scar in the exact place Han shot Vader before his carbonite bath."
Ahh, that Potter kid - he's something else.
"Think about the tremendous sacrifice that wearing the same clothes every day must mean for someone image-obsessed enough to become a world-famous actor...and he did it just to bug the paparazzi."
