10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 1/24
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Cracked Writers
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- January 24, 2016
We may have contaminated drinking water and dog gene pools, but we've also given Harrison Ford all of the monies.
Here's what you shared the hell out of last week.
"Having faith means you don't need proof. Scientific argument can't convince anyone subscribing to a science-less universe. You're basically telling them that they shouldn't believe because ... they shouldn't believe."
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"Too many atheists act like missionaries -- evangelizing at strangers who just want to live their lives, feeling and acting smugly superior because of their (non)beliefs, and insisting that a greater good justifies their asshole behavior."
It's worth mentioning that the American Kennel Club (AKC) is firmly against inbreeding of the mother-son or father-daughter variety, but they are fine with, say, grandparents and grandchildren boning, which they call line breeding and which we call "making a disturbing problem even more disturbing."
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"Purebred dogs have very specific features that must be replicated in each litter, which will eventually cause huge health problems for the animals. Golden Retrievers, some of the most lovable pooches in existence, have such messed-up genes that the possibility of them dying from cancer is more than 60 percent."
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"World events are like a game of chess, only there are billions of pieces, no rules, and the board is perched precariously over a landmine."
We'll leave it to you to determine the significance of "Mr. Krabs."
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"Movies are great, yeah. But just like real life, a good conspiracy always makes a situation way more intriguing."
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Most of us realize in theory that men can be raped by women as well, but it's just not seen as that big of a problem. Well, we spoke with a victim of female-on-male rape to find out what it's like to be the victim of a crime that most of society refuses to acknowledge is even a thing. Spoiler Alert: It's awful.
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"Whenever I tell someone I was raped by a woman, they act like I just told them I was bitten by a leprechaun. One of the most hurtful responses was from a close male friend, who dismissed me by saying, 'I'm sure she didn't hold you down.'"
This whole "poisoning of Flint, Michigan's water supply and sending its kids down a plummeting, irreversible IQ hole" isn't something new. The mayor glugged down a glass of the tap water on the local news, trying to convince residents it was safe - back in April.
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"The pipes leading into about half the homes in Flint are actually made of lead, which anyone who's ever had a tasty paint chip slapped out of their hand knows is a way bigger problem than iron. Unfortunately, no one knew this until a group of researchers from Virginia Tech arrived to do their own tests on the water. This was in August, so almost a year and a half after the city made the switch."
Ladies, "I'm feeling hysterical" is your new code phrase.
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"We like to think that history, for the most part, was populated by prudes who had sex through holes in their bedsheets. Sure, there was some kinky shit going on in Rome, but really it was all just stuffy people wearing uncomfortable dresses and monocles, being all philosophical and smart and shit. Right? No, of course not."
Finally! A product marketed directly to that valuable globe-hopping PUA demographic!
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"This might be the fastest a piece of technology has turned on us."
Don't make it harder on yourself or your loved ones by believing any of this crap.
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"When you're depressed, you're in a constant battle with your dumb brain for control of your life. You can win and turn those crappy days around, but you have to know the fight is happening. Don't assume the battle is won, or that there isn't even a battle going on. You may be fighting for the rest of your life. Depression is the Warhammer of illnesses, basically."
It's worth trotting out this destructive charlatan on a regular basis.
"Let these act as a PSA: People will always be out there looking to pull a fast one on the idiotic masses. Don't be one of those idiots."
