The Boy Scouts recently introduced a new Copyright Merit Badge. Among other requirements to earn the badge—this is true—scouts must learn how to identify five types of copyrighted works and visit a movie studio to see how many people can be harmed by film piracy.
We at CRACKED are concerned that badges like this distract Scouts from much more practical endeavors in line with their tradition as a pragmatic outdoors group. That is why we devised some much more useful merit badges for scouts to earn in the coming year.
Methcooking
Requirements
Yesman
Yes Scoutmaster, sir! The scouts, like any proto-military organization, run on a strict hierarchy. That’s why they are perfect to become the future yesmen in tomorrow’s corporate world. The Yesman learns to recognize the authority of his betters, to think inside the box, and to appreciate his place in the social food chain.
Requirements
Bondage
Requirements
Mallwalking
A cherished tenant of the Scouts is outdoor survival. But as the American population continues to boom it gets harder and harder to find any outdoors. Today’s Scout needs to learn how to survive in today’s environment. Today’s scout needs to know how to navigate the mall.
Requirements
TASER Safety
Guns are cool. But you don’t really get to use them on people. If you do, it just leads to all kind of headaches and court dates. So why not a Taser? It has a cool name, it shoots sparks, and you can try it on people you dislike without incurring a murder rap. Scouts should start preparing now so they can snap one up the second they hit 18.
Requirements
Quarters
With their identical uniforms and strict rules, Scouts encourage conformity and destroy individuality. When the uniforms get too tight and scouts leave for college, they will be eager to fit in again, and probably satisfy this by joining a college frat. So it’s important for the Scout to start learning now how to drink heavily and vomit in his shoes without crashing the car you're taking to the sorority semi-formal.
Requirements
The Profiler
Requirements
GAYDAR
A cherished tradition of scouts is excluding homosexuals. Unfortunately, with the rise of “metros,” bona fide gays are also getting trickier to spot. A Scout should be able to tell the difference between sensitive men who might use hair products, but are really straight, and those hellbound fudge packers who plot to ruin our country by infecting the rest of us with their limp-wristed values.
Requirements
Home Improvement
Requirements