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14 Illuminating Jokes From Stand-Up Comedians That Feel Like a Crotch-Punch to the Brain

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Five Jokes from the First Season of ‘The Simpsons’ You Now Need Wikipedia to Understand

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25 Random Bits of Trivia to Powerwash the Celebrity Gossip Out of Your Brain

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19 Life Hacks You'll Want to Know in a Catastrophe

Your survival is important to us. After all, with no readers there is no Cracked. And if there is no Cracked then we have to go back to our previous transient lives where we'd be stuck wearing dirty undies for weeks.

We hate dirty undies. And also we love money. That's why we reached out to one of our most esteemed photo manipulators to hunt down the best tips for keeping you alive, and keeping us in clean drawers.

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Entry by AM Smiley

Steel Wool Starts Fires. You can use steel wool and a battery to start a fire. Use a few thin strands of steel wool to bridge the battery terminals (+

18
Entry by AM Smiley

You Can Use a Crayon as a Candle. Break the tip off a crayon and light the paper on fire, for a makeshift candle. You can also CAYOI use a can of shor

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Entry by AM Smiley

You Can Use Your Watch as a Compass. Hold your watch flat and line 12 up I the hour hand with the sun. The point halfway between the hour hand and the

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Entry by AM Smiley

Tampons Make Good Bandages. In an emergency, a tampon will serve as a bandage. You can split the gauze flat to apply it to a wound, and use the string

15
Entry by AM Smiley

During a Wildfire, Turn On All of Your Lights Before You Evacuate. This makes your house more visible to firefighters. While you're at it, close all y

14
Entry by AM Smiley

If You Can See a Tsunami Wave, You Are Too Close to Escape it. Don't let recession fool you-the water will be back. Head for higher ground.

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Entry by AM Smiley

If a Blizzard Strands You in Your Car, stay Put Run the engine and heater for 10 minutes each hour, with a downwind window cracked, and periodically c

12
Entry by AM Smiley

Never Take Shelter Under a Bridge or Overpass, During a Tornado. Traffic structures collapse. Either drive to the nearest shelter, or pull over, buckl

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Entry by AM Smiley

Hang onto those Nylons. You can use pantyhose to filter large particles out of liquids, as a rope or tourniquet, and if your legs are cold, you can pu

10
Entry by AM Smiley

Don't Wear Cotton for Outdoor Activities Like Camping and Hiking. Cotton doesn't stay warm when it's wet. Wet clothes lead to hypothermia, the # kille

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Entry by AM Smiley

Don't Lie on the Ground to Avoid Getting Struck by Lightning. Being in full contact with the ground gives lightning more access to your body. Instead,

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Entry by AM Smiley

Aluminum Foil Can Replace Your Whole Kitchen. Use foil to create a moisture barrier to build a fire, to keep your matches dry, and wrap your food in i

7
Entry by AM Smiley

You Can Make Fire Out of Ice. Chip a clear piece of ice into a rough sphere, then smooth it by rolling it between your hands (wearing gloves). That sp

6
Entry by AM Smiley

Put a Few Matches Inside Your Flashlight. They'll stay nice and dry. CRACKEDCON

5
Entry by AM Smiley

Don't Eat Snow to Hydrate Yourself. Eating ice and snow will lower your body temperature in ways you won't like. Instead, melt the snow first. CRACKED

4
Entry by AM Smiley

Close All Doors inside and out) During a Tornado. Homes with open doors or windows are much more likely to be destroyed by high winds. CRACKEDCON

3
Entry by AM Smiley

Don't Stand in the Doorway, in an Earthquake. Doorways are no stronger than any other point in your house. Get under a table and hold on. Or just duck

2
Entry by AM Smiley

You Can Purify Water with Bleach. Not sure if your water's safe to drink! Fill an empty soda bottle with water, add 2 drops of bleach, and let it stan

1
Entry by AM Smiley

Condoms Keep Things Dry. You can store matches and other items you want to keep dry inside a condom. You can also use a condom as a water carrier, a c

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