14 Illuminating Jokes From Stand-Up Comedians That Feel Like a Crotch-Punch to the Brain
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Jesse
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- May 05, 2024
Have you ever heard a joke so good, it makes you double over and grab your junk? Buddy, you’re about to read 14 of ‘em.
14Mitch Hedberg on Giving Back to the Community
14
Mitch Hedberg on Giving Back to the Community
“I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.”
13Bo Burnham on Picking Your Partner
13
Bo Burnham on Picking Your Partner
“They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother. So I’m so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would have been uh, you know... dead.”
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12Demetri Martin Says to Choose Your Words Wisely
12
Demetri Martin Says to Choose Your Words Wisely
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”
11Steven Wright’s Supermarket Hack
11
Steven Wright’s Supermarket Hack
“The sign said ‘eight items or less.’ So I changed my name to Les.”
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10Rodney Dangerfield’s Extracurricular Activity
10
Rodney Dangerfield’s Extracurricular Activity
“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”
9Bill Burr on Man’s Best Friend
9
Bill Burr on Man’s Best Friend
“It’s not until you’re an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on you, bankers fuck up your 401K. Then you come home and that dog’s looking at you, and he’s like, ‘Dude, you’re awesome!’ It’s like, ‘No, dude, you’re fucking awesome!’”
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8Mitch Hedberg on Personal Security
8
Mitch Hedberg on Personal Security
“I walked by a spy shop — you know, one of those places that sell surveillance equipment. Every time I walk by a spy shop I think, ‘I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick’s been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can.’”
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7At Least Dough Stanhope Is Honest About His Unearned Aloofness
7
At Least Dough Stanhope Is Honest About His Unearned Aloofness
“I will call you stupid for not knowing shit that I just found out yesterday.”
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6George Carlin’s Worst Habit
6
George Carlin’s Worst Habit
“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
5Joan Rivers Had a Complicated Relationship With Her Mother
5
Joan Rivers Had a Complicated Relationship With Her Mother
“When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, ‘Will she live?’ He said, ‘Only if you take your foot off her throat.’”
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4Bob Saget Said Manifesting Can Only Take You So Far
4
Bob Saget Said Manifesting Can Only Take You So Far
“Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking or show business.”
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3Steven Wright Is Pepe Silva-ing the Institution of Elementary Education
3
Steven Wright Is Pepe Silva-ing the Institution of Elementary Education
“In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”
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2Bo Burnham on How Social Media Has Democratized Culture
2
Bo Burnham on How Social Media Has Democratized Culture
“YouTube is a place for people to share their ideas. If by people you mean 13-year-old girls and by ideas you mean how they love the Jonas Brothers.”
1Take Mitch Hedberg’s Advice If You’re Getting Ready for Some Fun in the Sun
1
Take Mitch Hedberg’s Advice If You’re Getting Ready for Some Fun in the Sun
“I saw a commercial for an aboveground pool, it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an aboveground pool.”
