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18 Sex Toys From People Who Have Clearly Never Had Sex

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Technology is great and cool, and making everyone's lives easier, right? The thing is, for every guy inventing self-driving cars, there's a guy in the back seat trying to figure out how to turn it it into a sex toy.

So here's a list of ridiculous, real sex toys, brought to you by the guys who could be out there inventing better cell phones or something. If you'd like to read more about these mind-boggling products, there's a link under each one to a related Cracked article.

18

THE JOY RIDE doesn't move, but its dildos will take you places. The product's web page is straightforward: Note that the Joy Ride is not a fully funcFrom 7 Completely Insane Sex Toy Designs.

17

TEDDY LOVE is down to go down on you. Unlike other sex toys (and like other teddy bears you use as such), Teddy Love can be left in plain sight. What From 5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror.

16

THE DILDOMAKER CRACKEDCON can turn anything into a dildo. This thing is like a pencil sharpener, but it won't sharpen anything (ouch). DIDOMAKER InsteFrom 5 Sex Toys That Are Clearly Designed for Sociopaths.

15

HEY! Do you This thing is the want to bone Oomph! M-Type a ghost? Leg Half Body Transparent Inflatable Sex Doll Male Masturbation Toy. It's basically From Super Creepy Sex Toys For Super Creepy People.

14

CRACKEDO It's a clown vib- Wait, who the f*ck would want a CLOWN VIBRATOR? A clown approaching your private parts accompanied by a buzzing sound is soFrom 10 Sex Toys That Make Your Weirdest Fetish Seem Sane.

13

THE VAJANKLE CRACKEDO is more a horror movie prop than anything else. It's cool that the sex toy industry is trying to cater to foot fetishists. But sFrom 5 Sex Toys That Are Clearly Designed for Sociopaths.

12

18 Sex Toys From People Who Have Clearly Never Had SexFrom 5 Terrifying Sex Toys That Prove We're Overthinking Sex.

11

CRACKEDCON The JACK HAMMER JOHNSON is a pogo stick built for two. The Jack Hammer Johson is a f*cking pogo stick. Literally. You can mount a dildo on From 18 More of the World's Most Disturbing Sex Toys.

10

THE GLOV CRACKED is oN a dildo for the lazy. Independent career women can't waste precious energy by wanking by themselves. So, a guy named Steve ScraFrom 4 Sexual Aides That Were Clearly Designed By Maniacs.

9

CRACKEDo THE SEXFIT is a Bluetooth cock ring. You know our obsession with performance data has gone too far when there's a FitBit for your dick. The SFrom 4 Sexual Aides That Were Clearly Designed By Maniacs.

8

DEATH BY ORGASM promises to kill you, and looks like it could. This is a vibrator. Unnecessarily made to look like a realistic scorpion. In a box shapFrom 10 Sex Toys That Make Your Weirdest Fetish Seem Sane.

7

THE HOTDOLL CRACKEDCON is a sex toy for your best friend. Not everything has to be about you, now, does it? If your buddy has been a good boy, you canFrom The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.

6

THE COCKPIPE lets CRACKEDcO you smoke a bone while you're smoking a bone. RUTII REMOVEABLE BOWL easy to dean TIP Tifoutrprere SILICONE SLEEVE super heFrom 5 Sex Toys That Invent Horrifying New Ways To Multi-Task.

5

LELO SIRI 2 is a vibrator and a voice coach. Siri 2 comes with vibration patterns based on reggae, rumba, techno, and other musical styles. Because ofFrom 5 Products To Celebrate Valentine's Day With Pure Horror.

4

SEX POWER TOOLS are a thing that exists. Using cute, punny names such as My Love Machine and Shagsall, some f*ckers are making boner adapters for elecFrom 5 Insane Erotic Toys That Prove We're Overthinking Sex.

3

With THE WANKBAND, you can charge your phone with the power of your wrist. PornHub's Wankband is a gizmo for charging your gizmos while playing with yFrom 6 Sex Toys Companies Disguised As Household Products.

2

Do you know what's lacking in your sex life? A PERISCOPE. If you're frustrated that you can't see four inches inside your partner's special areas, theFrom The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.

1

GRACKEDCON A company makes BABY JESUS butt plugs. When somebody says, you need Jesus in your life, they probably don't mean like this. Well now it'sFrom The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.

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