39 of the Funniest Tweets from Monday, May 20, 2024

It turns out that becoming a cultural phenomenon with an iconic dance named after a beloved character of yours comes with a cost — at least for Alfonso Ribeiro. The actor, who played Carlton Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Airtold Closer Weekly that the legendary role “stopped (him) from acting” because “people couldn’t see (him) as anything else.” That said, Ribeiro did parlay the Carlton Dance into a hosting gig on Dancing with the Stars, which isn’t exactly nothing.   

Johnny Knoxville also hasn’t escaped the show that catapulted him (literally and figuratively) into household-name status. But now, the Jackass star is in hot water for taking a prank too far — on a prank show no less. Knoxville is being sued by Eric André’s writing partner and former Prank Panel segment producer Daniel Curry for negligence and battery over a 2022 tasering incident. Curry alleges that Knoxville “chased down and tased” him “without provocation,” claiming that the incident caused him to experience “freezing, losing all motor skills and collapsing with his entire body in a rigid and tense state,” resulting in a broken bone and torn ligament. Curry is seeking upwards of $3 million in damages and loss of earnings.

It’s much safer over on the timeline, where the legends just keep doing what they do best — delivering hysterical tweets. Today’s funniest include those about the beauty of the onion, when an NDA means nothing and a psychoanalyst who keeps getting away with it.


soda jerk @poniesandsodies - 1d ... my friend made the funniest stickers i have ever seen INTELLIGENT ARTIFICIALLY NOT I'M I'm Sincerely Stupid! 16 5,328 49.7K 838K


KILLER MEG (Interdimensio... 1d ... Moments before he threw up cat shit on me.. this is the scariest picture I've ever seen in my fucking life 69 1,568 45.1K 1.2M


fern @realwackygal. 21h imagine somebody tries to steal your wallet but then they see this face on it and stop 78 2,210 27.3K 1.8M


Emily Murnane @emily_murna... 23h ... This is everyone who's ever bought a bidet telling you how you need to buy a bidet need you to USE USE LESS 2 LESSA TOILET O PAPER only Any Tale Be fresh and clean MEJORA all day TU EXISTENCIA TRY f BIDET Any Toilet 7 195 1,631 179K


(brain) worm buxx @kayteterry 18h ... So today I found out that alligators are immortal. Together with crocodiles, they have no finite lifespan. They live and grow unless they are affected by a disease, accident, or another predator. This quality, scientifically known as negligible senescence, means that crocodiles and alligators don't die because of old age. That doesn't mean they are immortal. 650 7,124 125K 5.4M


Brizz-Chan (Mr drive) @billybri... 1d ... You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing 36 1,271 14.1K 485K


Harrison Weinreb @harriweinr... 17h ... (To the guy at urinal next to me) You're doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants 3 422 5,997 193K


Dan Douglas @dandouglas.20h ... feeling snoozy? all tuckered out? ready to hit the hay and drift off to dreamland? sounds like you need 3-4 hours making yourself more mentally ill on the computer 31 3,160 28.6K 836K


Michael Kandel @K_A_N_D_E_L 1d ... just heard a kid on a basketball court say you kiss your mother's asshole with that mouth and everyone within a two-court radius stopped playing for a sec 22 1,487 35.9K del 1.1M


maddie, hot dog enthusiast @d... . 1d ... Asked bf if he could non-metaphorically snake my drain and he said I can teach *you* how to snake your drain which is very sexy in the feminism way but very bad in the that's yucky and I don't want to way 8 107 5,398 del 137K


Jab @jab50yen· 1d Got death threats and people saying I'm harassing essential workers then when I confessed I didn't actually do this people called me a coward for not doing it I love this site so much I'm never leaving it Jab @jab50yen.3d Felt like being a little mischievous today Would you like to add extra pickles? Choose up to 5 Pickles - + 5 Would you like to remove anything from your sandwich? Remove Pickles 53 679 16.6K 388K


Meg @megannn_lynne 18h ... Sure, I can be a go with the flow person!! I just need to know what direction the flow is going & how warm the flow is & whether the flow is forceful enough to cause floods & if the flow is saltwater/freshwater & maybe you actually just let me handle everything forever? 22 5,338 29.9K 869K


helena @freshhel.23h ... I can't remember what i wore on my 24th birthday so im gonna ask this girl whos a little jealous of me. she'll know 10 181 4,124 del 158K


sydney @mornings0da 18h ... One time at a party this girl and I realized we were wearing the exact same jeans, but mine were a little too big for me and hers were a little too small for her. So we went to the bathroom and traded. Both fit perfectly. Very professional, we didn't speak the rest of the night 96 5,482 154K 2.5M


Kafka, esq. @metalgearoba... 1d ... My wife won't let me watch the Planet of Apes movies around her because she doesn't like how mean they are to the apes 23 307 8,602 361K


almondmilkhunni @almo... 17h ... tiktok be like someone you may know and it's someone i've vowed to destroy in this lifetime 41 12.9K 75.3K del 1.4M


kim @KimmyMonte 18h my friend: i really need your advice me, ordering several things online i can't afford while eating a block of cheese: yes ofc you've come to the right person 2 393 4,077 du 136K


Maddi Mays @MaddiMays.1 1d lifetime is just white tubi 184 4,932 24K 869K


boob dylan @BYUsupersoaker-1d ... cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn't happen to me. 9 444 9,612 290K


Neurospicy Gendergoblin @p... 20h ... Aliens really got our asses with earthlings. They cooked. 28 1,576 32.4K 817K


Chi @cjoffiah23h life got so serious i stopped doing my british accent 266 12.4K 57K 1.9M


serena shahidi @glamdemon2.... 16h ... Every facetime with my friends has this exact vibe + 68.9K ... 25.8K 2,588 so I'm in my car and I'm thinking about 8,292 Casey Anthony. a 9 875 17K 544K


Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Amett. 1d ... is she..... you know... [i put one hand on my hip mimicking a handle and the other hand i put in the air to look like a spout] 10 941 13.2K 340K


sim @_sim0ne_. 1d boyfriend met my family and got on super well with my dad because they're super similar Не can't keep getting away with it! 99 4,784 92.5K del 2M


Ayushi @dramatickles-1 1d an NDA is nothing to me when I have a friend 12:16AM 43 5,487 58.9K 1.6M


jon drake @DrakeGatsby 17h ... Email Subject Line: YOUR PACKAGE HAS SHIPPED Email Body; Your package hasn't shipped. You idiot. You fucking idiot. We just created a shipping label 36 3,143 48.6K del 1.1M


M ert @mertcentury· 1d ... When you keep your tv volume on an unclean number like 17, it poisons the vibe in your whole house 244 5,949 58.2K du 2M


spilly @IAmSpilly • 1h ... the thing with sports is you get to be mad forever except for maybe once or twice every 15 years 10 174 2,059 del 60.8K


zach silberberg @zachsilberberg- 1d ... every time i get into a lyft or uber and it turns out to be a tesla i'm like, wow! these truly are the stupidest fucking door handles to ever be invented 137 2,830 54.9K du 1.8M


Lloyd @felonyfuckbuddy-1d Do u want anyfing from macdondald MVGL Borgar 4 164 3,772 223K


Huey @HAv2RtrnVdeoTps.20h ... You're telling me dis beef was strokin off? 9 428 5,118 431K


Rhadijah + @gwenison... 18h ... dogs: @cryst6l • 1d u bitches never wanna go on a walk at 8am and that be yalls problem 83 13.6K 112K 3.9M


nives @ni7es 19h Seeing onions for the first time: cody @codenamedcody 19h literal tears rn genuinely some of the best shit i've seen...like theres layers and layers to this 28 7,505 70.2K 1.9M


demitria @wannabfisherman.1 12h ... Cerveza would be a beautiful name for a baby girl 2 143 1,938 121K


gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi.1d ... N I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried giving yourself permission to sleep instead and now I'm so mad I don't think l'll ever sleep again 62 1,260 29.6K du 753K


motti @motticomedy 18h girls be like I want to have a lazy sunday and proceed to run every errand they've been putting off for 8 months 18 2,757 25K 737K


cj- @cjniel 1d ... pregaming be like ok who's kitchen should we stand in tonight 20 4,110 68.7K del 1.7M


Cof fee Lovers and Fans 1d ... Oh, I shouldn't... Ah, what the hell. Pass me a women's daily multivitamin 9 553 7,367 236K


Victor @himbo_chico 1d ... people who snore are not good people & you can't convince me otherwise. its just feels so greedy. like imagine enjoying your sleep so much you have to LOUDLY announce it to everyone in a 10 mile radius non-stop for 8 hours which in turn prevents them from getting any sleep. 46 1,743 14.6K del 841K