The man at the center of all this Russian brouhaha is the man at the center of your most carnal urges. Kislyak exudes a raw, manateeasing sexual magnetism. When Kislyak catches your eye, your butthole is soon to follow.
What's in store for those of us lucky enough to grace Kislyak's bed? First and foremost, there is no bed, only a pile of vodka-scented laundry near a space heater. He'll start the dance of seduction by moving those jowls just so, tenderly basting his most luscious curves with butter. Soon enough he'll be basting yours -- with love butter!
You're going to have to do most of the work with Kisylak, since he's not much of a marathon man and generally just showing up is the extent of his effort. Like the proverbial Russian bear, expect deep, guttural growling and a bowel movement in the forest when he's done.