The Only Acceptable Reason To Watch The Macy's Parade

10

The Old-Timey Phallus-Nose Balloon

Walter Kelleher/NY Daily News Archive via Getty Images

9

A Dying Bart Balloon

"Coowwwaaabuuuuungaaa ..." Bart's voice distorts as gas leaks out of his massive wound. "Mommy, what happened to Bart?" a frightened child asks. His mother tries to shield him from being smothered by a rapidly deflating skateboard wheel.

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I am great OZYMANDIAS.

8

The Elf On The Shelf Balloon

"William." The aging balloon-maker shakily downs another sip of brandy, hoping it will silence the voice. "Will. Make me huge," it whispers.

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"I am in your mind, and I shan't leave."

The piercing gaze of the Elf on the Shelf cuts through the man's drunken stupor. "N-no. I won't. I won't do it," he protests. A tremor runs through his arm as he dabs a handkerchief over the sweat pooling in the furrows of his brow. "William. You shall. You shall do it, William."

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"Thank you for your loyalty, William. Now you die."

7

Ice Age's Scrat Balloon

The giant prehistoric squirrel is slowly pumped full of life-giving gas. A muffled "MMMGHROORN" emanates from its pre-formed mouth.

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"I HAVE NO MOUTH AND I MUST SCREAM."

Finally, the great beast has swallowed its fill of helium. The anxious handlers are quick to trap the behemoth in a net.

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KREEEEEEEE

6

Horton Hears A Who Balloon

"They said I was crazy," Horton said with a grin. "That I had a screw loose, with a hat made of tin." He broke through a window, and grabbed a small child. The scene was quite ghastly, phrasing it mild.

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"WHAT'S THAT? 'STOP? OUCH? OH GOD?' SORRY, CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"They said I was bonkers, bananas, deranged. Two crayons shy of a box, and loose at the hinge. But would someone so crazy, demented, and strange, would someone so batty get such sweet revenge?"

5

A Partially Deflated Kermit Balloon

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Nothing survives the mad march of time.

4

A Chin-Butt Garfield Balloon

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Garfield's face looms into view. "Father," a young girl of seven asks. "Father, why is Garfield's chin buttocks?" The father frowns uncomfortably. "I don't know."

The butt-chin eclipses the sun, darkening the sky. Jim Davis tries to escape the grip of police officers. "HE WASN'T MEANT TO BE VIEWED FROM THIS ANGLE," he cries desperately. "HE'S A TWO-DIMENSIONAL CHARACTER, I -- MMPHH." A cloth moistened with chloroform quiets his protests.

3

The SpongeBob

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GNAHAHAHAHA

Distant at first, but growing exponentially louder, is the sound of manic laughter. The SpongeBob zooms down the street, moving faster than a balloon should. The laughing intensifies, becoming more crazed, louder, shriller. Eardrums begin to tear. The laugh approaches 200 decibels. Hearing loss sets in, and many weep, grateful for the mercy.

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GLUHUHUHUHUHUH

2

Barney The Friendly Dinosaur

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"Hello, children!" Barney greets. His half-lidded eyes are full of sleepy optimism. "I love you, you love me, we're ... we're a happy ..." Barney trails off. The eyes of the crowd shine disconcertingly. He continues, uncertain, "We're a happy ... family?"

1

The Self-Destructing T-Rex

The dinosaur balloon looks at the limp, lifeless polyurethane body of Barney. "No," he says gently. "No, I will end this on my terms."

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"I am a leaf on the wind."

He impales himself upon a traffic light. The frenzied yells of the onlookers go silent, save for the high-pitched "PHWEEEEE" of gas escaping. The crowd introspects. "It was us. It was us the whole time. We were the monster balloons."

Katie Goldin thinks we shouldn't pardon turkeys anymore, and that frankly, they're getting what's coming to them. She also Tweets stuff for Cracked.

For more check out Thanksgiving's Creepy Relatives: 5 Terrifying Harvest Holidays and 6 Supposedly Fun Activities Nobody Actually Enjoys.

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