The Kucinich Conspiracy (And Other Alt-Rock Band Names)

I just logged on to Google News to retrieve the article I was planning on blogging about today concerning Dennis Kucinich's court victory and triumphant admission to Tuesday's Nevada Democratic debates. Simultaneously, I was searching Youtube for video of the debate to somehow mock (attention ladies: a man who can multi-task AND ridicule. The perfect father?). I was surprised to find that there WERE no videos of the debate featuring Kucinich, and even more SHOCKED—okay, kind of pissed at this point—to find out that a mere hour before the debate, a Nevada Supreme Court ruling had overturned the initial decision and barred Kucinich from appearing. Now whether you're a fan of the man or not (I am, and you can savage me in the comments section if you feel so inclined), you've got to admit what's going on here is pretty fucking outrageous. The whole point of general elections, at least in spirit, is to maximize the choices given the public. We've already got our choices limited by certain Constitutional requirements:

The President must be over 35 years of age, a citizen, and born in the United States.

He must be a he.

He must be white.

He must be enormously wealthy.

He must be of three major religions.

He must have strong ties to public interest groups and lobbies.

He must subscribe to one of two bloated, irrelevant platforms that cater to extremists and will totally go out the window when he takes office.

He must be handsome (This one I approve of. No uggos in the White House!).

In fact, it's statistically true that in the history of the U.S., there is a more than 50% chance that the taller of the two final candidates will win. So, A) Kucinich is out, B) Tom Cruise is out and C) Start betting your friends. So why get so pissed about this Kucinich thing, when our rights are trampled daily? Why does this one get to me? Because it's so goddamned transparent. MSNBC holds a debate, and invites the top four Democratic contenders. Biden drops out, so Kucinich assumes he's in (being fifth). Then they say “Oh, damn, you know what? We only wanted the top three contenders.” Way to stick it to the short guy, you bastards. You're a goddamned TV network; stop trying to make our decisions for us! I mean, aside from what we watch, buy, and what morals we teach our children. Just because you would've had to cut his podium down three feet doesn't give you the right to ostracize him! If I were given to fits of paranoia, I'd imagine that Kucinich's exclusion from debates by NBC (owned by GE), ABC, and the AARP are attempts to silence him for his failure to capitulate to pressure from special interest groups. Luckily I'm not, so I'll leave saying that to Kucinich. Finally, I thought this columnist summed things up well. This whole thing makes me so angry I almost want to do something about it.

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Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes angry videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!