5. Celebrity: Claudette Colbert
Why I Want to See it: For my money, Colbert is the most beautiful woman ever put to black and white film. And as the (I presume) grandmother of Stephen Colbert, watching her have sex in high-contrast spectrovision is probably as close as I’ll ever get to meeting him. And that’s good enough for me.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: The guest appearance from
Palm Beach Story’s “weenie king,” now 108 years old and hung like a kielbasa that’s been left out in the sun.
4. Celebrity: JFK
Why I Want to See it: Basically I just want to see a President’s weiner, and it seems like JFK’s the most likely candidate (unless Obama makes good on his promises to pants Hillary at her inauguration). There was a good chance a Monroe sex tape would have included him anyway, so I think we’re due.
Favorite Imagined Highlight: When John awkwardly tries to reference “the Cuban missile crisis” during initial insertion, and finally upsets his bedmates with an unflattering comparison to “the bay of pigs.”
3. Celebrity: Lucille Ball
Why I Want to See it: You know it’s going to be feisty, wacky, and interracial, and there’s not a lot more you could ask for in a sex tape that doesn’t involve things I’m not willing to discuss with you.