Robotic Mr. Potato Head Will Kill Us All

Have you ever been to Disney's California Adventure? According to Disney's numbers, chances are you haven't. I have, twice, and I can tell you it's fabulous if you're into walking around and paying sixty bucks for the privilege. Also, two dollars for a pickle. Also, you take their damn "which Disney character are you?" quiz and you get Mrs. Potts every time no matter what the fuck you put in. Well, they're hoping 1.1 billion dollars will change all that. To attract more young visitors, Disney is adding such technological innovations as a 3-D interactive Toy Story cart ride, a robotic Mr. Potato Head voiced by Don Rickles, and an in-park counselor for when your child is permanently scarred by the virulent insult comedy of the robotic Mr. Potato Head. All that and the “which Disney character are you?” quiz tells you that you’re Mrs. Potts with a high-definition hologram. So you’ve got Toy Story going for you, and the imminent release of Toy Story 3 in 2010. Plus you’re adding in robots and video games, which we all know are a hit with the kids. But, to be honest, Disney, you’re going to have to do better than that to beat Dubai Land. If you really want to spin your properties for the Internet generation, may I suggest:

Demolishing California Adventure to make room for Diggtopia, an interactive adventure in Digging and Burying.

Hiring some more of those walkaround guys to occasionally yell “hey, faggot!” at the guests.

Replacing the Mr. Potato Head robot with a robot of a fat guy shooting a gun really fast.

Changing all the piped-in music to a 24-hour loop of “Chocolate Rain.”

(Thanks ginenbijnoam for the following entries in this list)

Putting poorly-worded descriptive text on all the pictures of Micky Mouse in the park.

Showing videos of Rick Astly at live shows instead of the promised performances.

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When not blogging for Cracked, Michael makes imagineering videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!