Kevin: I'm going to cut you off, there and get right down to this: All of the nominations are correct. You just weren't nominated.
DOB: Okay, so you
do see the problem, great. If we could just get my name up there, then, we'll all-
Kevin: No, you misunderstand. You weren't nominated, and you won't be nominated. If I had to guess, I'd say it's because Cracked isn't technically a blog. It's a series of articles, videos, comics and columns, a disturbing amount of which, I might add, seem to be about Hannah Montana, for some reason.
DOB: What the hell do you
mean we're not a blog?
Kevin: Blogs update several times a day. And often, a lot of the blogs that we deal with are newsworthy, and important. And, you know...relevant. Cracked's just not very relevant, in the blog world.
DOB: Wait, are you trying to imply that Cracked's not relevant?
Kevin: I think I've gone pretty far beyond implying it, but sure.
DOB: How
dare you! I'm the definition of relevant. I'm
Mr. Fucking Relevant. I got relevance spewing out my god damn ass.
Kevin: Wow, that's enough of that.
DOB: Let's get something straight, DOB is all about relevance. He
lives it, okay? I put the 'dick' in 'relevance,' you understand?
(There was a slight pause.)
Kevin:...There
is no 'dick' in relevance.
DOB: No? Must've left it in your sister, then. Huh.
Kevin: Excuse me?
DOB: Ooh, sorry, Guy, you're breaking up, I can't...quite...hear-
And then I threw my phone out the window. Which, in retrospect, was a poor decision. But, I like to think that we live and learn, even though I've ended every single phone call the exact same way and so far haven't learned a thing.
***
"Is that not the
saddest thing you ever heard, Boss," I asked Jack.
"I guess so, but, again, I wasn't even close to paying attention, so really..."
"I'm just sick of being snubbed, you know? I don't ask for a lot. I'm a simple man. All I want in life is to win all of the awards in the world and have rough, slimy sex with super models. Is that so wrong?"