Cracked Readers, I'm going to do you all a huge favor today. I'm going to save you some money. You've no need to thank me, though, if you must, I accept gift certificates to Chili's, (Pepper in some fun!), donations to
charity made in my name, and pornography, (Pepper in some tits!). Here you go, a one-step method to save your money: Don't go to the movies this weekend. I know, the temptation is there- It's summer, it's a Friday night, a few new movies will be coming out- it all sounds irresistible. Well, folks, let me tell you, those movies are
The Happening by M. Night Shamalan, the creepmaster extraordinaire whose name I refuse to look up for spelling purposes, and
The Incredible Hulk. Do not waste your money on either of these movies. You're welcome.
Now, you might be wondering what I'm basing my arguments on. Did I
see these movies? Well, not in the technical sense. Cracked.com Headitor Jack O'Brien took all of the other Cracked Columnists to see both movies last night so they could write up reviews but, due to an acerbically-worded court document, I'm not allowed within 500 yds of Jackaroni and Cheese or his family.
His stupid, stupid family.
So instead, I watched the trailers of both movies a couple of times and, really, I feel like that's gotta be enough to write a fair and unbiased review. If you feel my reviews are unfair, feel free to email me. If it turns out that I didn't provide my email address, feel free to go ahead and suck it. Long and hard and all over town.