Miley Cyrus leads to a different blog post where I attack her.
Yes, even though we
both said some mean things in the past, Miley decided to email me, probably against the wishes of every one of her bosses and relatives, to get my thoughts on this first draft of her autobiography, tentatively titled
Unhinge Your Jaw And Swallow Happiness Whole: The Miley Cyrus Story.
So, below, for the
first time ever, I have the official transcripts from Cyrus' first book, and
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Miley: This book is terrible and you're bad for America.
Probably not the cover of her book.
From Chapter Three: An Unforgettable Call
"The day Disney called me to tell me I'd landed the part of Hannah Montana was the most important day of my life. I can't even
imagine what my life was like before that moment. Literally. Disney's team of scientists blasted me with a specific enzyme, (CaMKII), which erased all the memories I had prior to being cast as Hannah, so now I can't access any of those early memories. Every once in a while, I get weird flashes of the life I
used to have, like snapshots, but they never stay for that long. Sometimes I have dreams where I used to have a couple of sisters, but I never see them around, so... so I guess I don't have them. Oh well. Reach for the stars, kids!"
From Chapter Six: BFFS!
"The actors that the studio hired to be my friends are okay, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me psychologically if I was allowed to grow up
out of the spotlight and make friends naturally, and organically. Meeting people, bonding over common interests, learning how to compromise. That sort of thing.
But, in a way, doesn't