Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup

It's time for another edition of the feature which provides you with essential news and analysis about vitally important topics of the utmost relevance to you. Opposite Day! Let's begin... Hat's Off: Garth Brooks (whose 1997 Central Park concert was mistaken by me for a terrifying redneck invasion of New York City) has donated his trademark black cowboy hat (shown at right) to the Smithsonian Institution, where it will presumably be showcased as an article of national historical significance, somewhere between an original copy of the Declaration of Independence and Abe Lincoln's buttplug collection. (In a related story, Chris Gaines's eyeliner pencil was donated to the dumpster behind the taco truck in the Smithsonian parking lot.) Marsters of the Homoverse: Actor James Marsters, formerly of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, got a little squeamish about some "Brokeback to the Future"-style action he engaged in while shooting the BBC sci-fi show Torchwood:

[Marsters] shared an on-screen smooch with openly gay actor John Barrowman for the hit show, but Barrowman claims Marsters wasn't entirely comfortable with their man-on-man action. He says, "After the scene he snogged (kissed) his girlfriend to re-establish his masculinity."

One little homoerotic kiss and he runs screaming to his girlfriend? Sounds like

somebody has some issues about his sexual identity. Personally, I'm so confident in my masculinity that I had sex with like 10 guys before I even had breakfast this morning, just to prove how straight I am. Lightweight! Put That in Your Toad and Smoke It: Desperate for new ways to fight the tedium of living in a relatively free, safe, prosperous, non war-torn country, American young people have begun experimenting with smoking the extracted venom of the Sonoran Desert toad, according to police. This novel method of self-medication is believed to have been discovered only after a rigorous experimental process during which the inventors had no reaction to the following:

• Poo-huffing
• Toejam snorting
• Antifreeze footbaths
• Poison oak brownies
• Tampon and banana sandwiches
• Dirt smoothies
• Scorpion enemas
• Licking old guys' wallets
• Drinking pot
• Smoking wine
• Looking at pictures of sheep