It's that time again. The first round of Presidential Debates is tonight, at some time or another. (I know. It seems like just yesterday that you were sitting around, not giving a shit about the 2004 debates, and now here we are again. Well, as the saying goes, Time is a fickle, filthy whore.) For most people, these debates will decide where their votes will be going, with the exception of people who decided to engage in
early voting. (Voting before hearing about the debates or any October surprises? It's gonna be a great four years!) As an informed and impartial outsider, I can concretely say that, so far, these campaigns have been run like absolute turkey shit. Sure, Obama's done an admirable job of completely ignoring the "elitist" attacks, (as if he thinks he's
above responding to them), and John McCain brought on Sarah Palin as his running mate, which definitely adds a certain "Palin-ness" to the ticket, but both candidates failed in that they never once contacted me for tips. Well, whether you like it or not, I have put together the end-all-be-all guide to Presidential Debating Shit. Utilize the techniques detailed below and you will win the trousers right off this election. Master these skills and you'll seriously beat your opponent.
* Sure, my tips technically have nothing to do with the issues facing this nation right now... But, hell, neither has any other aspect of this election.
The Defeat-and-Greet Technique
The opening of the debate is absolutely crucial, so you have to really nail it, by which I mean, make fun of your opponent like this was a schoolyard brawl. Insult your opponent, but do so quickly and subtly, as you only have a few seconds to say "Hi." Mark my words, it's the candidate that