Dick + Naked Woman = Extremely Misleading Headline (NSFW if You Squint)

Some of you probably think being a Cracked blogger is fun. And sure, getting recognized on the street is a thrill at first, and the all the hot sex you're constantly invited to watch (otherwise Ross can't finish) is pretty okay too. But let me tell you, it's not all peaches and thick-bearded sex. There's a dark side. Of course, I'm primarily referring to our being forced to care about the most inane shit ever hammered onto a keyboard by an AP intern trying to pad his transcript so he can get an internship in DC and avoid breaking up with his needy girlfriend. Also sometimes Dan hits us with an old piece of leather belt he found. I don’t think it’s his, mostly because I’ve never seen him wearing pants. But back to inane shit. The below photo of Dick Cheney “made waves” in the blogosphere this week, not because of his uncanny resemblance to The Penguin scowling triumphantly while Gotham burns, but because there was speculation that that little smudged reflection in his glasses was a naked woman.

You can start masturbating whenever. The White House claims that it’s actually just a reflection of the fishing pole Dick was holding at the time. And while any moron can see that that’s clearly true, the use of the phrase “Dick’s pole” in their justification is so sexually charged that I’m going to have to assume that the reflection is actually of hardcore pornstar Jenna Haze. My arguments?

One. Look at that smirk. You’re telling me that’s the smirk of a man enjoying a nice fly fishing cast? You’re suggesting a man who is at least a third responsible for the downfall of the American Empire gets off on some fucking nylon sailing through the air? Au contraire. That is the knowing grin of a bald, overweight man who knows he can bang, and then murder young starlets with impunity. I guarantee you that mere moments after this photo was snapped, that woman’s face got a blast from Dick’s trusty shotgun. And then he probably killed her, too. Two. I have devised a simple test to prove that it’s at least possible that there could be a naked lady in there. Below, four photos. Three are old men’s hands. One? Jenna Haze. I DEFY you to spot the difference. And three. The White House claims some fancy zoom-in of the photo proves Cheney was fishing. Big whoop. I saw a picture yesterday of a guy with his head stuck up his own ass. It was not only a hilarious visual metaphor and example of computing wizardry, but also a dire warning: photos are not to be trusted. Just because your European History teacher shows you some slides of emaciated torture victims standing by some grainy wooden bunks doesn’t mean the Holocaust actually happened. Okay, bad example, but you get my point. Check out these images I made with just a few minutes and some Googling.

Clearly, when someone like me—not even a professional photo manipulationist—can fool the eye so utterly, so completely, we can’t take anything at face value. If a few bloggers say that those eighty tan pixels represent a nude sunbathing pornstar, who are we to question? We should just accept it as fact and react accordingly (huge boners), for the sake of entertainment if nothing else. Who cares about high gas prices; Cheney’s leering at nipples! On boobs! The important question now is what to do about it. Our VeeP has almost certainly been snagging some poon on the side, possibly while dressed in rubber wading pants. It may be too late to impeach, but I say there’s always time for a good old fashioned uprising of the people. I mean, you didn’t rise up when you found out they lied about the WMD’s in Iraq. You didn’t rise up when they sent your children to die in the desert and pushed our economic status back forty years. For the love of God, rise up now! If I don’t see people looting in the streets tomorrow, I’m going to care even less about this issue, which, believe me, is no small feat. Please, don’t let that happen. Viva la inanity!

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When not blogging for Cracked, Michael plans and coordinates the execution of photoshops as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!