Hey.
Hey
MAD.
How you doing? Why don't you sit down, slip off those shoes of yours? Have something cold to drink, maybe snack on a few of these chips. Do you want a back rub, or something? Heating pad?
Foot massage?
You've been having kind of a rough time, lately, haven't you? We feel your pain, really, we do (well, not
really; things are actually pretty great over here. But you know what we mean).
I wanted to write sooner, really I did. Back in November, your TV show, (that, evidently, wasn't already canceled), was
canceled. That must've been tough. Even though it didn't have much to do with your brand, it had your name on it, so that must have hurt a little bit. I
wanted to reach out to you, but I just got so busy; see, we were installing hot tubs in all of the Cracked offices at the time, which required a
ton of my attention (you can't install hot tubs within five feet of a chocolate fountain, which we'd just installed in October). They're kind of tacky, I know, but we had some extra cash so why not, right?
But we're talking about you here, buddy.
So first the show got canceled and now it turns out, as of last week, several staff members were let go and your magazine was reduced to a
quarterly printing. I couldn't believe it. I'm sitting there at my desk just thinking,
Gosh,
that must hurt. That's got to be poison for a magazine that wants to maintain any semblance of edginess.
I started thinking about what it would be like if
we were restricted to four updates a year. I mean, how can you stay topical and relevant with so much time in between issues? That's when I started getting really depressed, so then I turned the bubbles on and I started feeling a little better (I know, they built a desk onto the side of my jacuzzi. SO AWESOME, right?).
I know what you're saying: Dan, Cracked.com updates everyday. You'll never be as completely and utterly screwed as us here at