'Choking Game' Takes a Surprisingly Dark Turn

HealthDay News reports that, according to a recent study, 82 children have died from playing “the choking game” since 1995. If you don’t know how to play the game, then you probably just don’t understand what the word “choking” means. You may have heard of The Choking Game by one of its other names, "blackout game," "pass out game," "scarf game," or "space monkey," (seriously). In an effort to achieve a euphoric state, a bunch of kids sit around choking each other all day, just like a bunch of space monkeys, evidently, and some of them, for some reason, die. You know, I was once a kid and I, miraculously, managed to entertain myself and not choke to death at the same time, and I didn't even have some of the new-fangled toys the kids are playing with these days, (tamagatchis?). Do I think our children are getting dumber? Short answer, yes. Long answer, yes I do, very much so. The article goes on to say that 93% of the victims’ parents had no idea this game was being played. First of all, what the fuck, Other-Seven-Percent? Second of all, maybe the problem is just that no one is aware of this Space Monkey phenomenon and, as a respected journalist, it is my duty to spread the word about this very serious, totally retarded problem.

Moving on to what I’m sure will be a recurring feature, I bring you: This Week in Hating Hannah Montana: Watchdog and buzz killer Consumer Reports are chastising that bitch who plays Hannah Montana for setting a bad example by failing to wear a seatbelt in her new, freedom-hating, orphan-punching movie, Hannah Montana and the Six Ways to Drown a Puppy. Consumer Reports stated that "It seems to us that Miley, her father, and Disney had a perfect opportunity to help influence teens and counteract-rather than encourage-this trend.” You know who else didn’t wear seatbelts? It was the Nazis. The Nazis didn’t wear seatbelts. Everyone knows that; it was one of the few holes in their otherwise airtight military strategy. We, (the Cracked audience and someday, God willing, the world,) are watching you, Montana. PS Did you guys hear Hannah Montana invented Space Monkey? True story.