If you drink... Budweiser:
Reason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Because you're an honest hard working American, who wants an honest hard-working American beer.
Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Have you ever tried another beer? Budweiser isn't better than some things that leak out of trauma patients.
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If you drink... Coors Light
Reason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your want a beer that tastes like a mountain. This beer also regularly claims to be "cold" tasting.
Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Of course it does. What kind of idiot likes to drink warm beer? Your beer is cold. You've got science on your side.
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If you drink... Heineken
Reason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer is so exotic, it comes from Europe. You don't know where in Europe specifically, but it's definitely not from around here.
Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Not likely. Heineken isn't much different than every other lager on the market. And it's everywhere - these days, a Heineken is a little less exotic than the McRib.
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If you drink... Tequiza
Reason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer has the refreshing taste of tequila and salt. Your beer is itself already pretty wasted, but is getting a second wind.
Is my beer really better than that asshole's?
Oh good gravy, no. But this is probably the only beer in the world that tastes better when drunk in the shower.
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If you drink... Guinness
Reason your beer is better than that asshole's:
Your beer comes from pretty far away, and is the drink of choice for many of the