The Man Was in Jungle Fever, for God's Sake

Science has long challenged the status quo, smashed our established belief systems and forced us to re-examine our core perceptions. Now, they have enacted a similar imposition of topsy-turveydom in their creation of the world's blackest material. Naturally, this discovery totally calls into question the world's previous holder of the title "blackest thing in existence," Wesley Snipes. My friends, I urge you—don’t do anything drastic. Suicide is never the answer, and though our ebony idol may face dethronement, he still deserves his rightful place among the universe’s blackest things. Snipes has an undeniable, immediate blackness, an intrinsic quality that even light-trapping carbon nano-tubes cannot diminish. In fact, a cursory comparison of the two may rebolster your flagging confidence in Mr. Snipes:

The circular material sample resembles a black dot. Snipes formed his own production company in 1991 called Black Dot Media.

Snipes has trained in Kung Fu and Capoeira, whereas microscopic carbon tubes are, as a rule, terrible fighters.

Snipes starred in Murder at 1600, Demolition Man, and the upcoming Gallowwalker. The carbon tubes did not.

In the film Passenger 57, Snipes delivered the classic line “Always bet on black.” The tubes have thus far delivered no punchy catch phrases (although to be fair they’ve only been in existence for a few weeks).

The carbon nano-tubes have a total reflective index of 0.045 percent—more than three times darker anything before known. Wesley Snipes is a vampire, and yet kills vampires.

The tubes’ blackness may be used as the base of a super-efficient solar power cell or in infrared detection and astronomical observation. Snipes' blackness may be used to highlight the whiteness of men who can’t jump.

So until carbon nano-tubes are in New Jack City, Wesley Snipes will remain the paramount black thing in my heart. You lose again, science. In the end, all this discovery really does is push Samuel L. Jackson down another peg. Sorry honky.

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When he's not blogging for cracked, Michael makes specious comparison videos as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!