Sorry, Nobody Told Me Owning My Own Waterpark Would Be Hard

7

I Am Sorry About All The Fatalities

I know, right? I went there right off the bat.

smellypumpy/Pixabay
Gotta knock 'em dead early.

6

I Am Sorry That Water's Not Cheap

I mean, it's not expensive in small quantities, like if you just turn on a tap or whatever. But if you don't have a tap, because you're technically squatting in a waterpark that was abandoned 20 years earlier, you have to improvise. A hose and a willing neighbor is kind of your best bet, but hoses aren't cheap, especially when your neighbor keeps confiscating them.

Coolcaeser
Seriously, what the fuck, Jack In The Box #2218.

This isn't a one-time expense, either. Due to evaporation, splashing, and the nature of a very poorly sealed waterpark, the water demand is more or less constant. With hoses running 24 hours a day, the city will ask a ton of questions, and many of those questions are actually fines, and it just all adds up.

5

I'm Sorry People Are Reluctant To Pay Good Money For A Poorly Sealed Waterpark

The established waterpark industry has no problem using their market strength to keep their competitors down, up to and including the spreading of rumors about how "dangerous" and "poorly sealed" other waterparks are, or tattling to the authorities about "how many people die" there.

diegoparra/Pixabay
Come on. Fight your own battles, you huge babies.

The end result of all this skullduggery is that the only people who were willing to attend a new upstart like The Slick 'n Sloppy Chris Bucholz Experience weren't willing to pay a ton of money to do so. Not only did this limit our revenue, it also means, and it pains me to say it ...

4

I'm Sorry The People Who Did Pay Were Not Good People

Now, I'm of the mind that all people are inherently honest and worthy, and obviously I was in no position to turn away anyone willing to spend eight dollars for a family pass at The Slick 'n Sloppy Chris Bucholz Experience. But it must be said that that price point attracts a certain ... clientele.

OpenClipArt-Vectors/Pixabay
The kind that doesn't know the word "clientele."

This is not a criticism! I generally enjoyed every moment I spent with the people who attended my water park, and if not rich in wallet or shirts, they were rich in character and joie de vivre. And off-brand beer.

3

I Am Sorry About The Swim-Up Bar

A little-known secret of the waterpark biz is that most of our money is made at the concession.

ActionPlanet/Pixabay
Ok, maybe it isn't much of a secret.

Which presented me a unique problem because I wasn't licensed or even really equipped to provide food at The Slick 'n Sloppy Chris Bucholz Experience. Many of you who attended during the early weeks will recall the garbage bag full of chips I'd leave out by the wading pool, the best solution I could come up with at the time.

At least until me and some of the fellas did some brainstorming.

It turns out that, while liquor licenses are even harder to get than food services licenses, liquor board inspectors don't even think to check out abandoned waterparks when conducting their inspections. Several minutes later, our swim-up bar was born.

Danelle Bailey
Actual photography wasn't permitted there for obvious reasons, so enjoy this stock photo in lieu.

2

I Am Sorry We Hooked Two Water Slides Together

Of those booze-fueled-miscreant-related problems, the biggest by far was the decision to hook two water slides together to see what would happen.

Taokinesis/Pixabay
Grievous lower body injuries. That's what happened.

Other things that happened that were regrettable: a grievous upper body injury, a lost pair of sunglasses, a Bad Incident, and some skid marks. Also there was that one fella we fired down one waterslide and completely up the other and we never saw him again.

1

I Am Sorry About All The Additional Fatalities

I realize now that I hadn't told you earlier that I was dividing up the fatalities into two separate groups; the fatalities that definitely weren't my fault, and the fatalities that also weren't my fault but it's Iffy.

succo/Pixabay
Iffy isn't actually in the law books, but it will be by the time my case makes it through the courts.

It was ultimately this second group of fatalities, and also a third group I don't want to talk about, which inspired me to not open The Slick 'n Sloppy Chris Bucholz Experience for a second season, and to flee into the long grass. So to any patrons reading who did actually want to return this year, I thank you for your enthusiasm and promise to leave a garbage bag of chips out for you sometime soon.

And for any authorities reading, I totally promise I have learned my lesson this time, and please don't touch the chips. This isn't about you.

Previously in this series:

15 Things I Regret Doing At Your Petting Zoo: An Apology

9 Regrets Regarding My Illegal Day Care

An Apology to the Customers of My Illegal Bed & Breakfast

Greatest Customer Feedback Ever Sent to McDonald's

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and one hell of a fella. As the author of the amazing novels, Freeze/Thaw and Severance he thinks you should definitely go buy both of those now. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

Learn how the generation gap makes it impossible for us to all get along in The 5 Most Half Assed Apologies for Historic Crimes and see how teens are unfairly judged in 6 Types of Apologies That Aren't Apologies at All.

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