The most brutal jokes, though, pit lawyers against other lawyers, as in this one: “Two lawyers, Chris and Leslie, are on safari. They spot a lion 100 yards away, clearly preparing to charge. Chris starts lacing up his shoes, to which Leslie replies, ‘What are you doing? You can’t outrun a lion.’ Chris says calmly, ‘I don’t have to outrun a lion, I just have to outrun you.’”
There’s an entire wing of lawyer jokes that’s strictly wordplay. Firms like “Sue, Grabbit & Runne” and “I. Fleecem” have been used by the likes of Catherine O’Hara and Soupy Sales. The Three Stooges loved gags like this, including “Dewey, Burnham & Howe,” a divorce law office called “Ditcher, Quick & Hyde” and, tangentially, the proctologist office “Proba, Keister & Wince.”
The all-time best execution comes from Tom and Ray Magliozzi, NPR’s famous Car Talk guys. Among their show’s recurring goofs was repeated references to their lawyers, Dewey, Cheetham & Howe. They even had a neon sign with the fictional firm’s name in the window of their office in Harvard Square. But it’s more than an inside joke — when their show expanded to national syndication, they needed to incorporate an actual company to manage their business, and they named it Dewey, Cheetham & Howe.
Despite being one of the most reviled occupations in the history of humankind, a lot of modern entertainment revolves around lovable lawyer protagonists, ranging from Calista Flockhart’s Ally McBeal to Andy Griffith’s Matlock. Here are two of the best law jokes straight from the horses’ mouths:
- Jack McCoy (Law & Order) on gay marriage in 2004: “Let ‘em marry. Why shouldn’t they be as miserable as the rest of us?”
- Saul Goodman (Better Call Saul) on his own profession: “What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you’re dead.”
And who could forget this masterclass in oration from The Simpsons’ Lionel Hutz?:
Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn’t find one?
Marge: (crying) We... went... fishing.
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man who’s had ALL he could eat?
Jury: No, no.
Juror: No, that could’ve been me!