No luck landing a new job? Ah man, that’s a bummer. Yeah, yeah the job market’s tough. Well look, you’ll find something! You’ve been at the fart factory for like 12 years now, that’s gotta look great on a resume.
Anyway, maybe these 14 jokes will help take your mind off of things.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.”
“Better sexy and racy than sexist and racist.”
“She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.”
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
“There but for the grace of God, goes God.”
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.”
“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb — and I also know that I’m not blonde.”
“We use 10 percent of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60 percent.”
“User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’”
“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.”
“I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there’s a guy in there already and say, ‘Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?’ And he says, ‘No.’ Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions. Then I say, ‘Hey man, just simmer for ahw— I mean, sit there.’”