If comedians are good at one thing, it’s spending hours, days and years of their lives ruminating. Naturally then, they’ve come to see the world in a slightly different way than you or I. Here are a few abject bummers and well-articulated moments of optimism from all of that rumination…
“People who are pro-smacking children say, ‘It’s the only language they understand.’ You could apply that to tourists.”
“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
“I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me — until I fell into a printing press.”
“Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”
“The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.”
“I’ve been doin’ drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.”
“I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now I don’t have to hold things when I sleep.”
“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”
“There’s only so many pictures of yourself you can look at and hate before you have to just accept that you are a goofy looking fuck.”
“That’s why they call it the American Dream. Because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
“Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn’t work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.”
“When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”
“Normal is just a setting on the dryer.”
“We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before Black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don’t people talk about that?”