By the time you’re 30, there should be a 6-inch thick plaque of jokes on the inside of your skull.
“There’s only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.”
“Sitting there pulling a face like a tortoise that’s learned to enjoy the stink of its own farts.”
“You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.”
“The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries, because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming… so am I.”
“A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!’”
“One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s bollocks.”
“Cricket. No matter who wins, both teams, and all the fans, are losers.”
“I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week, and I saw this sign, ‘This door is alarmed.’ I said to myself, ‘How do you think I feel?’”
“Ed Miliband was trending on Twitter, but so was Kim Kardashian’s arse. I don’t know about you, but I know which one I’d rather watch eating a bacon sandwich.”
“You never love your children more than when they’re unconscious, but still breathing.”
“You don’t need a theme park to have fun with Harry Potter. This is for free — change the word ‘wand’ for ‘wang’ and you can have a terrific time. I have an example for you: ‘Are you okay?’ said Harry. ‘My wang,’ said Ron, ‘look at my wang!’ It had snapped in two. The tip was dangling limply, held on by a few splinters.”
“I’ve got a friend. Actually, she’s not a friend. She’s a friend of a friend. I’m sure we all have those people. You know, you wouldn’t invite her to your house, but you don’t want her to die.”
“If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.”
“It made sense because as a child, I hated the English but harbored secret cravings for offal, shortbread and heroin. Deep-fried heroin if I could get it.”
“I hate when I’m masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I’m about to cum, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.”