It’s your lucky day! This list entitles the reader to escape 1 (one) bout of depression, malaise or melancholy.
“They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.”
“I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.”
“I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn’t work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.”
“Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
“I was talking to Jesus, and I said, ‘Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me.’ And Jesus looked at me and said, ‘You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.’”
“Although it’s generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.”
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.”
“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.”
“It’s a good thing I had my mouth open. That bird would’ve shit right on my face.”
“Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.”
“Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.”
“A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.”
“Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, ‘Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.’ She said, ‘We can’t do that!’ I told her, ‘You did it last week!’”
“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
“I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.”