J.K. Rowling’s grotesque opinions and absurdly overrated writing aside, you gotta hand it to her: she came up with “the killing curse.” Avada Kedavra. A novel device found nowhere else in all of fiction. A character can simply point a long stick at something, and with the slightest twitch of a muscle, kill it instantly — okay, you know what? That’s just a gun. She invented a magic gun.
Wow, she really is just the lamest person on Earth.
“I asked for a wake-up call at a hotel, and they said, ‘You’re a drug addict, and you’re killing yourself.’”
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.”
“At Glastonbury this year, a man offered me a ‘hardcore breakfast’: Corn Flakes but with vodka instead of milk and ketamine instead of sugar on top. How disgusting is that? A vegan breakfast.”
“Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonized a male-dominated joke format!’”
“The human equivalent of a pop-up advert you just can’t click away.”
“In his job, my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler.”
“My doctor said to refer to my nervous breakdown as an episode. To be honest, it was more like a season finale.”
“British people are like coconuts. Hard on the outside, but sweet once you crack us. Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.”
“Did you know the word Ikea is actually made up of two Swedish words? Ika, meaning Sunday, and keya, meaning ‘fucking ruined.’”
“Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theater. That’s like a fat camp using Korean barbecue.”
“I’ve learnt that saying ‘Oh, this old thing?’ isn’t an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.”
“Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I’ll let you be the judge of that.”
“They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie. You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A butt plug? Same here!’”
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
“Sex is like playing Bridge — if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.”