14 Blistering Roasts From Professional Athletes

14

Scenes from the Keith Olbermann/Bill Simmons Feud

A representative sampling of Simmons to Olbermann: “You’re my worst-case scenario for my career in 12 yrs: a pious, unlikable blowhard who lives alone.”

Olbermann’s response: “This assumes that Mr. Simmons’ career now is where mine was twelve years ago (anchoring SportsCenter, then my own MSNBC political show, anchoring NBC Weekend Nightly News, writing a best-selling sports book, etc). In fact, this assumes that this is Mr. Simmons’ career, which is remarkable. Also, anybody who could write as many words without saying anything of consequence really should throw around the word ‘blowhard’ as frequently as he would a street sewer cover.”

13

Peyton Manning on David Spade at a Comedy Central Roast

“I recently read Spade’s memoir, Almost Interesting. Actually, I’m lying. You really think the first book I pick up in 20 years is gonna be by the guy who played Dickie Roberts, former child star? I don’t think so. By the way, David, that title, Almost Interesting, talk about false advertising. Now, if you wanted to be honest you should have called it Almost Tall Enough to Ride a Roller Coaster.”

12

Steelers Linebacker James Harrison on What He Really Thinks About NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, via Men’s Journal

“He’s a crook and a puppet, said I was the dirtiest player in the league. If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn’t do it. I hate him and will never respect him.”

11

Shaq on Kevin Hart

“Kevin is the only celebrity with a star on the yellow brick road.”

10

LeBron James Addressing His Haters After an Upset Loss in the 2011 NBA Finals

“At the end of the day, all the people that were rooting for me to fail, tomorrow they have to wake up and have the same life that they had before they woke up today. They got the same personal problems they had today. And I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things I want to do.”

9

Blake Griffin Paying Due Respect to Caitlyn Jenner

“Look, for real. I know we’re all here making fun of Caitlyn, but honestly, I want to take this moment to publicly thank you. As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery, and as a human I want to thank you for the doors you’ve opened. And on behalf of the entire NBA and half of the rappers on the Billboard charts, I want to thank you for giving your daughters their daddy issues.”

8

Rory McIlroy Hitting Tiger Woods with the Most Brutal Insult Possible: Being Average

“It’s not that he’s playing badly. He’s simply playing badly by Tiger’s standards. He’s playing like an ordinary golfer.”

7

“U’re a loser & a cheater? Got any steroids I cn borrow?”

A brief timeline: In 2007, Rodney Harrison was suspended for using HGH. In 2009, as an NBC analyst, Harrison criticized Terrell Owens for something or other. Quickly thereafter, TO hit him with this low-effort, high-impact bull’s-eye.

6

South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier After Obliterating Kentucky 54-3

“Kentucky has a heck of a punter, I know that.”

5

Shaq Burning Justin Bieber with This Killer Misdirection

“Seriously, Justin, I love you. You’re a platinum recording artist. Give it up. You’re a model. Give it up. You’re a sex symbol. Give it up. I just want to say, Justin Timberlake, I fucking love you.”

4

Cardale Jones Tearing Down the Entire American College System While Playing Football at Ohio State

“Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain’t come to play SCHOOL, classes are POINTLESS”

3

Peyton Manning on His Backstage Interaction with Pete Davidson at a Comedy Central Roast

“Pete Davidson asked to take a picture with me, and I didn’t even realize he was one of the comedians. I told him, ‘Don’t give up, kid. Whatever disease you have you can beat it.’”

2

Joe Burrow Lashing Out at Recruitment and Gift Rules in 2017

“Our team is worth $1.5 BILLION, but it wouldn’t be fair to other students if we get a free hamburger”

1

Kevin Garnett to His Notoriously Fashionable Co-host Craig Sager

“I’ve never in my life tried to go at you and your suits and such. Tonight, I am stressing: You take this outfit home, and you burn it. We don’t want to see this. I know you don’t double-back with your outfits, I’ve never seen you in an outfit twice. But you take this right here… You take this home, and you burn it. 

“So when you get done with this, you should be butt-ass naked, and burn it. And the shoes too, just burn them. Don’t ask no questions, just burn them. The red socks, which people can’t see at home, take all this handkerchief, lime thong, all that. Burn it, okay?”