I’m going to level with you: Only the smartest 10 percent of our audience has any chance at comprehending these jokes. But those of you who do? You’re in for a real treat.
“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”
“I doubt there’s a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare.”
“Do Transformers get car or life insurance?”
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three,’ which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.”
“It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signaling,’ as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.”
“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?”
“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!’”
“A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men’s singles event.”
“As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.”
“I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark.”
“I often confuse Americans and Canadians — by using long words.”
“If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.”
“Same sex marriage isn’t a gay privilege, it’s equal rights. Privilege would be something like gay people not paying taxes. Like churches don’t.”