20 Dark Humor Jokes from Rodney Dangerfield

20

On Skating with the Old Man

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer.’”

19

On Bath Toys

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

18

On Being Kidnapped

“I remember the time I was kidnapped, and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

17

On His Wife

“Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.”

16

On the Old Man… Again

“I mean I had it rough. I told my old man I’m sick and tired of running around in circles. He got mad, and he nailed down my other foot.”

15

…and Again

“When I was a kid, my old man never liked me. He took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.”

14

On Cooking Fish

“People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils — Texaco, Mobil, Exxon…”

13

On Being Talked Off the Ledge

“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the 10th floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, ‘On your mark...’”

12

On School

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, and he threw the teacher out of the window.”

11

On Being on Fire

“Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!”

10

On Sex

“I was making love to this girl, and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ 

“She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’”

9

On Being Lost as a Kid

“Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we’ll ever find them?’ 

“He said, ‘I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.’”

8

On Bartenders

“I was tired one night, and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, ‘What’ll you have?’ I said, ‘Surprise me.’ He showed me a naked picture of my wife.”

7

On His Doctor

“I went to see my doctor: ‘Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?’ 

“He said, ‘I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.’”

6

On Doctors… Again

“When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ‘I’m very sorry. We did everything we could… but he pulled through.’”

5

On therapy

“I just broke up with my psychiatrist. Yeah, this afternoon for the first time I told ‘em, I got suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.”

4

On His Childhood

“When I was a kid, I got no respect. When I was kidnapped, the kidnappers sent my parents a note, they said, ‘We want $5,000 or you’ll see your kid again.’”

3

On Uncles

“My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

2

On Doctors… Again

“With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him, ‘I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.’ He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”

1

On the Hardware Store

“I went to the hardware store to buy some rat poison. The cashier says, ‘Do you want a bag, or are you gonna eat it here?’”