15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

15

Steven Wright

“I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.”

14

Redd Foxx

“If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.”

13

George Lopez

“When I was 10 there wasn’t trampolines and cartoon characters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'you wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator out!”

12

Gilbert Gottfried

“I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.”

11

Tina Fey

“At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.”

10

Rodney Dangerfield

“I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, ‘Why are you jogging in your underwear?’ He says, ‘You came home from work early.’”

9

Mike Birbiglia

“I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.”

8

Jim Gaffigan

“When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, ‘Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.’”

7

Noel Fielding

Mel B: “I worked at Pizza Hut, but I enjoyed that. Free pizza.”

Fielding: “Was that before or after the Spice Girls?”

6

Rita Rudner

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”

5

Milton Jones

“I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, ‘it's because I'm black, isn't it.’”

4

Denis Leary

“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.”

3

Natasha Leggero

“College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.”

2

Chelsea Handler

“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hairy back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to get their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

1

Will Ferrell

“I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.”

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Top Image: Netflix