14 More Jokes For The Hall Of Fame

14

Norm Macdonald

“I wouldn’t call myself a fan of steampunk, but I will admit it’s the healthiest way to prepare punk.”

Aside from broilpunk.

13

Zarna Garg

On Her Husband:

“By the way, we’ve never had a candlelight dinner either. Why would we? We came to America for the electricity.”

12

Dan Cummins

“Somebody once told me if you have to buy something embarrassing, just don’t buy that thing alone. Buy a couple more things and it doesn’t look weird in a group. Not necessarily true. When I added dog treats, sleeping pills and lotion to condoms… If you’re still waiting for the punchline, why are you here?”

Luckily the store did not sell “How To Have Sex With A Dog: For Dummies”

11

Tim Vine

“So this bloke said to me, “As a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?” I said “Let me make one thing absolutely clear.  My mother was never a young boy.”

10

Eugene Mirman’s Obvious Billboards

 “There's this billboard in my neighborhood that said 'Don't leave a baby anywhere.' Which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street… but it made me want to make my own obvious billboards, so I have.”

“Don’t crap in an envelope and mail it to yourself.”

“Try not to wake up on fire.”

“Don’t throw a baby at anything. Even a burglar!”

“Do not threaten to steal a cops penis”

9

Mike Birbiglia

“I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, ‘Do you guys hate me?’"

Second place goes to someone who ends every sentence with “I forgot what I was going to say.”

8

Flight Of The Conchords

Jemain: “My father is a women’s rights activist.”

Brett: “Not your mum?”

Jemain: “Mum, No. Dad wouldn’t allow that. No way.”

7

Steven Wright

“I figured I’d go for a walk, she said ‘how long are you gonna be gone?’ I said, ‘The whole time.’”

6

Jimmy Carr

“People worry about their physical appearance, we all have our silly hangups. For instance, I’m worried that one of my balls is bigger…than the other two.”

5

Groucho Marx

“I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, and how it got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”

A certified classic (I certified it just now).

4

Gary Delaney

“I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking. Then I went to see the crocodiles and I was still wanking.”

3

Emo Philips

2

Amy Schumer

“I finally just slept with my highschool crush. But now he like expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I'm gonna be in 3 years.”

1

Demetri Martin

“Last summer I was at a party and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Location, location, location.”

Never pee in between pools either.

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Top Image: Emophilips.com - Guy Viau