Cracked Round-Up: Shut Up About the Mayans Edition

Okay, this whole '2012 Mayan doomsday prediction' thing was funny for about two months back in '09, and it got funny again for a little while last November. But it's boring and played out and the sheer volume of attention it gets makes us suspect that some people out there are actually taking it seriously. Did no one learn anything from Harold Camping?

Seanbaby got the comedy ball rolling with the most half-assed villains in Superfriend history. Being on that list is an accomplishment, since the entire series has maybe forty minutes of labor devoted to it. Luke McKinney gave us the worst alibis in crime history and Christina listed even more types of bad drivers. Following up was Soren Bowie, who got this close to becoming a teen heartthrob. Robert Brockway took a stand for the much-maligned gaming industry while Chris Bucholz made us almost believe he'd spent time in a gym. Dan O'Brien closed us off with a depressing look at what could have been.

NEAR DEATH

The 9 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered: Part 2 We'd all like to go out as well as these folks did, but we're pretty sure most of our last words will involve taunting large dromedary's.

Notable Comment: "Morant is a distant relative on my mother's side."

Since you're posting on the Internet right now and not currently wrestling bears, we're going to guess very distant.

BAD FOOD

9 Ridiculous Cooking Myths You Probably Believe If you've wondered why everything you cook tastes like burnt ass, this article holds the answer.

Notable Comment: "To say lobsters feel no pain while being boiled alive is complete horseshit. Any creature whose life is ending by being boiled to death will freaking notice and has to feel pain of some kind"

Murf6762, we'll believe lobsters can feel pain when they stop tasting delicious with butter and lemon.

DIRE CONSEQUENCES

6 Horrible Aftermaths Implied by Movies With Happy Endings Screenwriters are only paid to think right up until the story ends. Which is why we have this list.

Notable Comment: "I always saw the implication in The Sound of Music to be the most touching part of what the nuns did. They basically give up their lives to ensure the Von Trapps escape. That's some serious charity."

Wow canwizard, all the nuns we know ever did was whip us with rulers and yell whenever they found our cigarettes.

BAD IDEA

6 Realities of Teleportation Star Trek Didn't Warn Us About Dr. Pulaski had it right. Transporters are for crazy people.

Notable Comment: "This is why the best quick transportation things involve travelling through Hell itself as a shortcut."

You'd think so AJBulldis, but there's a serious Sam Neil shortage going on these days.

EVEN OLDIER

7 Classic Video Games That Are Older Than You Think You're welcome, gaming snobs. And you can consider this one a freebie.

Notable Comment: "There's this little game that contains all this and more. It's called IRL. Try it some time."

OK, Chonglord- tell us where in real life we can go to shoot at asteroids?

Michael Swaim, Cody Johnston, Nick Mundy

The Inevitable Future of TLC Reality Shows It's not a job. It just...isn't.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Famous Pictures Were Used in Ads for Modern Products We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Famous Websites Ten Years From Now, If Album Covers Were Honest and Creative Ads for Illegal Products.