CRACKED asked New York comics Don Jamieson, Joe DeRosa, Spanky, Rob Rothstein, Lisa Landry and Darren Kane to give the Man of Steel a good comedy roasting. Here's some of the hilarious, filthy stuff they came up with...
Spanky | "Superman reminds me of the homeless man that sits on my corner: they both are orphans, they both have worn the same outfit for the past fifty years and they both date Margot Kidder."
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Lisa Landry | "Like we're supposed to believe this man is so Super? The last one couldn't even get out of a wheelchair."
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Don Jamieson | "At one point in the filming of Superman Returns, Superman' classic blue tights ripped. Luckily, Kevin Spacey had an extra pair in his closet."
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Darren Kane | "One time, Superman confused Green Lantern' dick for a Kryptonian knowledge crystal and inserted it into his ass. Okay, fine, he wasn't confused."
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Don Jamieson |
"Superman' real name is Kal-El. Who knew Superman used to be an Al-Qaeda operative?"
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Lisa Landry | "Superman just won't go away. Sure, he may disappear for a while but he always pops back up right when you think he's gone for good. He' like herpes."
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Darren Kane | "Joel Schumacher passed on directing Superman Returns, because he thought the concept was too gay. That' pretty fucking gay."
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Joe DeRosa | "I was watching a behind the scenes documentary of Superman II. The crew was striking the set and thought someone had left a stick of red AND green kryptonite lodged under a couch cushion"¦ but it turned out to be one of Margot Kidder' used tampons. Still, they were confused, because it was glowing."
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Don Jamieson |
"Brandon Routh' nickname is B.J. and he can play the trumpet. I think we now know how he got the gig."
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Spanky | "Superman has pulled down more pants in phone booths than a two-dollar male hooker at the Gay Pride Parade."
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Rob Rothstein | "It's really easy to upset Superman. Just tell him you throat-fucked Lois Lane."
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Joe DeRosa | "My favorite scene in the original Superman movie is when Ned Beatty gets raped in the woods"¦ No, wait, that' not Superman, that' Deliverance. I always get the movies I masturbate to confused."
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Rob Rothstein | "I just saw Superman's listing on Craigs List. What's M4M mean?"
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Spanky | "Sure Superman is faster than a speeding bullet and can leap tall buildings in a single bound"¦ but he' still just another fucking illegal alien."
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Joe DeRosa | "I don't like the casting of Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane. She' just nowhere near as hot as Margot Kidder. I find Bosworth' perfectly symmetrical, pearly white teeth and smooth, porcelain-like skin to be a real turn-off. Kidder was the beauty with that dehydrated, bottle-in-her-desk-drawer look. I like my Lois to look like she just downed a fifth of Rumplemintz and a handful of perks while the Daily Planet staff ran a train on her in the copy room at the Christmas party."
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