Are you tormented by crushing loneliness? Then you need to find that special companion that will be waiting for you when you come home each night to provide you with hours of delightful pleasure. That’s right, you need to find your perfect board game. Locate your personality in the below guide to determine your board game soul mate.
I am a wealthy 1920s industrialist
Your perfect board game is
MONOPOLY
It is pretty odd that Monopoly is the one board game that everybody has played, including small children, even though it is based on fairly complicated economic concepts. For example, appreciation of real estate through property development (e.g., building hotels) is an economic idea way beyond the grasp of a small child, let alone something he will enjoy playing.
I am aroused by letters printed on wood tiles
Your perfect board game is
SCRABBLE
Monopoly may be the game everyone owns, but Scrabble is the game people can get the most passionate about. What is it about placing wooden tiles to make words that gets some people so hyped up? "I get to show my verbal prowess! Whooo! Let's get psyched!"
I like sticking things into human bodies
Your perfect board game is
OPERATION
The best thing about Operation is that anybody who has the use of at least one arm can play it. There are no complicated trivia questions or math problems or requirements of physical exertion. No, you just take some tweezers and get to jab violently at the human body. That's just fun.
I enjoy awkward physical contact
Your perfect board game is
TWISTER
Less a board game than an excuse to touch the pert asses of co-eds, Twister itself is pretty damn overrated. Yes, I know, you might get to touch some boob, and that's great, but as far as the actual playing of the game, I've never been involved in a session that didn't just end up in some awkward situation where people feel uncomfortable.
I like hopping wooden chips
Your perfect board game is
CHECKERS
Now, this is a game. There's a definite strategy to it, but it's simple enough that a 7-year-old can play it. It's pretty damn perfect. And don't tell me that you don't just feel like a total badass when you tell your opponent to king you or when you get to jump eight checkers at once. It's just so damn satisfying. And, just in case you feel like you really need to feel refined, you can play Chessters, a game my friend invented, which is just Checkers with Chess pieces. It's great.
I am really, really stupid
Your perfect board game is
CHUTES AND LADDERS and CANDY LAND
Hey! Here's an idea for a game! You roll a die, and you move. If you move to the wrong place, you go down a whole bunch of spaces. If you go to the right place, you get to jump ahead. It's got all the mechanics of a real board game, but eliminates anything fun or challenging like trivia or strategy. Or, better yet, why don't you make a game that's entirely up to chance—based on a card you draw rather than the roll of a die—and then gay it up a whole bunch? Seriously, this game created just about the entirety of Rosie O'Donnell's male fan base. Yeah, I played it. And you know what? I enjoy a frilly mixed drink every now and again. I don't think that's a coincidence.
I enjoy being bored
Your perfect board game is
CHESS
You know, chess would be great if people didn't take it so damn seriously. Taking 15 minutes between moves is just fucking ridiculous. I play games so I'm not bored, not so I can be bored while you sit there and try to figure out if you're going to castle up or some shit. Just move your pawn out there and be done with it. Get over yourselves, chess people. Computers are better than you anyway. Just have fun already.