20 of the Wildest Self-Diagnoses Provided to Doctors

20 of the Wildest Self-Diagnoses Provided to Doctors

14 Hilarious or Downright Badass Monologues From TV Shows and Movies

14 Hilarious or Downright Badass Monologues From TV Shows and Movies

28 Petty, Grandiose or Downright Inscrutable Things Done by the FBI and Other Powerful Cabals

28 Petty, Grandiose or Downright Inscrutable Things Done by the FBI and Other Powerful Cabals

The Funniest Memes from the Week of May 13, 2024

The Funniest Memes from the Week of May 13, 2024

12 Trivia Tidbits for Friday, May 17, 2024

12 Trivia Tidbits for Friday, May 17, 2024

41 Awful Knockoffs and Reboots We Wish Would Have Been Caught and Killed by a Scheming CEO

By all accounts Coyote vs. Acme is a pretty solid movie, perhaps a masterpiece, that deserves to see the light of day. Why, oh why, couldn’t some C-suite stooge have squashed Mac and Me instead?

Click right here to get the best of Cracked sent to your inbox.

41

Awful Knock-Offs (1976) Ape Ape was such a copy of the 1976 King Kong that after a lawsuit it had to literally warn Not to be confused with King Kong on its poster. Anyway, the costume for South-Korean King Kong looks hilarious, and we would respect this movie if it had gone with one of its later titles: Attack of the Giant Horny Gorilla. CRACKED.COM

Source

40

Awful Knock-Offs (U.S. (2001) Pearl Harbor Yes, we're saying it: Pearl Harbor is a Titanic knock- off. It's an epic romantic movie set against the backdrop of a historical tragedy and with hot people trying to survive-and it came out when culture was still barely letting go of Titanic. Of course, Michael Bay is no James Cameron, and it shows. CRACKED.COM

Source

39

Awful Knock-Offs Mac and Me (1988) Few films are as visually repugnant as this E.T. knock-off. The horrible creature design, the clunky FX, the shameless McDonald's scene, the general cheapness - everything stabs you in the eye, up to and including the nightmare-fueling final scene. This movie is brilliant, is what we're saying. CRACKED.COM

Source

38

Awful Knock-Offs (2000) Titanic: The Legend Goes On We will never waste a chance to talk about the rapping dog from the Italian Titanic cartoon. Just watch it. Now. Not the Titanic rip-off itself, nobody cares about that, but just the scene. Watch it and ride those brain-destroying aneurysms like Jack and Rose on the front of the Titanic. CRACKED.COM

Source

37

Awful Knock-Offs (2012) The Amazing Bulk The problem with Tommy Wiseau's The Room is that it doesn't have enough shots of a purple Hulk rampaging through a hideous CGI city. To fix this, some damned souls threw together the Hulk, Birdemic, and the worst meth that can be found in back alleys, and the result was this fever dream. CRACKED.COM

Source

36

Awful Knock-Offs Ator, the Fighting Eagle (1982) The point of Schwarzenegger as Conan was that he looked like a Frank Frazetta drawing. The Ator actor, is certainly a ripped dude, but he's no Frazetta man. In the same way, Ator, the Fighting Eagle is no Conan the Barbarian, but the cheesy Italian knock-off. Inexplicably, it had three sequels. CRACKED.COM

Source

35

Awful Knock-Offs (1985) Ghoulies Ghoulies was actually filmed at the same time as Gremlins, but the latter's success meant the Ghoulies franchise could embrace being a derivative, second- rate knock-off. The dialogue is corny, the gore is lame, and the creatures look like fried chicken with hair. At least Critters was mildly interesting. CRACKED.COM

Source

34

Awful Knock-Offs (1984) The Ark of the Sun God King Solomon's Mines is the classic awful Raiders rip- off, but this adventure movie beat it for one year, actually has Ark in its title, and comes from Italy. So yeah, it sucks-and it certainly does not compare to 1982's Hunters of the Golden Cobra, which is, dare we say, the so-bad-it's-good Raiders rip-off? CRACKED.COM

Source

33

Awful Knock-Offs The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens (2008) Yes, this family video-like movie is a blatant Harry Potter rip-off, but its respectful admiration for Adobe After Effects is undoubtable. Rowdy Roddy Piper is here, because we all have bills to pay, and every performer looks at the camera, flubs their lines, and cackles at whatever we thought cinema was. CRACKED.COM

Source

32

Awful Knock-Offs Beckman (2020) Don't be fooled by the slick-looking, quick-paced trailer-Beckman is as interesting as a John Wick knock-off made for the Christian conservative crowd, because, well, that's what it is. It stars the guy from the God's Not Dead movies, David Whatshisface, and boasts preaching, late Steven Seagal-quality action, and William Baldwin as the villain, which is just sad. CRACKED.COM

Source

31

Awful Knock-Offs (2000) Bloody Murder It takes real courage to make a slasher set in a summer camp, and featuring a hockey-masked serial killer, that is not a Friday The 13th entry. And we mean courage, not talent. Talent would at least make the shamelessness fun, interesting, or engaging. But this cowardly flick isn't any of that, instead just being incoherent, boring, and not even bloody. CRACKED.COM

Source

30

Awful Knock-Offs Shocking Dark (1989) This absolute Italian classic goes by several, ever- awesomer names which save us from having to explain its hodgepodge plot: Terminator 2, Aliens 2, Aliennators, and Contaminator. And yup, it was sold in some countries as an actual sequel to The Termina... Wait, Aliennators? CRACKED.COM

Source

29

Awful Knock-Offs (1994) Leo the Lion: King of the Jungle Before The Asylum, there was GoodTimes Entertainment, and before The Lion King, there was Kimba The Whi-no, wait, we're getting our rip-offs mixed up here. OK, Leo, yeah. It's a blatant Lion King cash grab with the cheapest animation the could find, as proved by Leo himself having been designed on toilet paper. True fact, don't look it up. CRACKED.COM

Source

28

Awful Knock-Offs Great White (1981) Jaws rip-offs include Orca and Grizzly, but this Italian flick is such a blatant copy that Universal Pictures sued to stop its American release. The studio, however, missed one thing: That while Spielberg chose slowly creeping tension and narrative restraint, Great White has the shark chomping a guy in half. That's how it's done, Steven. CRACKED.COM

Source

27

Awful Knock-Offs (1983) 2019, After the Fall of New York This Italian flick steals from both Escape from New York and Mad Max 2. But it actually anticipates the fertility crisis from Children of Men-which means that we will absolutely be saying Children of Men is a knock-off of 2019, After the Fall of New York at parties. And yes, it is better than Escape from L.A. CRACKED.COM

Source

26

Awful Knock-Offs (1994) Mahakaal A Nightmare on Elm Street is good, but it totally lacks goofy humor, martial arts fights, and Bollywood dance numbers. You know which movie does have those, though? Mahakaal. In terms of shots, pacing, and set design, it's pretty much a photocopy of WesCraven's movie, but did we mention the Bollywood dance numbers? CRACKED.COM

Source

25

Awful Knock-Offs (2008) Metal Man Yes, Iron Man ushered in the modern superhero genre, but did you know Metal Man ushered in our current mockbuster golden age? Huh? OK, that is possibly not true, but we just want to make Metal Man popular and see civilization driven to madness. CRACKED.COM

Source

24

Awful Knock-Offs (2007) Ratatoing This Brazilian Ratatouille knock-off came out the same year and has the same plot, only set in Rio de Janeiro. Those purely descriptive facts are the best things we can say about it, because after watching it everything else is insane ramblings, sacrilegious profanities, and poor sphincter control. Seriously, watch the trailer (at your own peril). CRACKED.COM

Source

23

Awful Knock-Offs (2020) Finding Jesus The Christian faith is insulted by this shameless Finding Nemo copycat. This flick needs no summary: it's just preaching. Look, we can also do it: don't be a dick. Or be a dick, but only towards dicks, exactly like our boy JC was with the merchants. There, we spared you the stiff, unfinished character design. CRACKED.COM

Source

22

Awful Knock-Offs (1991) Dolly Dearest Child's Play spawned its slew of knock-offs, but Dolly Dearest is the true gem of the bunch. The direction is bland, the script is non-existent, and the FX are betrayed by the awful design. But it's also a 1991 killer doll movie, which is the sort of fun concept that explains itself. It gets a solid C+ for the effort. CRACKED.COM

Source

21

THE WICKER MAN CRACKED.COM 1973: Horror classic about the dangers of cult mentality, starring cinematic icon Christopher Lee 2006: Nicholas Cage screaming about bees and punching women in the face while wearing a bear costume

Source

20

CRACKED.COM 1993 2017 MORPHIN MIGHTY POWER RANGERS STOIC GRUMPY ZORDON SPACE SPACE WIZARD HEISENBERG

Source

19

Unstoppable 1954 apocalyptic engine of death Metaphor for Nuclear Holocaust GODZILLA 1998 CRACKED.COM Radioactive iguana vs. Ferris Bueller

Source

18

The Mummy (1999) was a thrilling, fun adventure film heavily influenced by Indiana Jones movies. The 2017 remake is a paint-by-numbers exercise designed CRACKED.COM only to set up a new shared universe. The movie begins with a cameo by Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll (somehow shoehorned into the franchise) that introduces the universe.

Source

17

GH2STBUSTERS TM GOZER Ancient Pure evil Z Z Wants to destroy everything 1984 2016 Thirties Total dick Wants revenge on puny world ROWAN ROWAN CRACKED.COM

Source

16

S GRACKED COM The Karate Kid (1984) The kidlearns Karate The Karate Kid (2010) The kid learns Kung Fu

Source

15

1951: A friendly alien named Klaatu tries gentle persuasion to convince humanity to stop building nukes, only using threats as a last resort THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL 2008: An alien with no personality named Klaatu comes to earth to threaten humanity into being more eco- friendly, or he'll wipe us the hell out without a thought Also, with Jaden Smith, for some reason CRACKED.COM

Source

14

41 Awful Knockoffs and Reboots We Wish Would Have Been Caught and Killed by a Scheming CEO

Source

13

Is guided by his belief in the goodness of humanity and even reverses time to save CRACKED.COM as many people as he can. VS SUPERMAN THE MOVIE MAN OF STEEL Never establishes a moral code and kisses a girl he just met in the middle of the ruins of a major city he just destroyed with his recklessness.

Source

12

Complex storyline for several seasons BOY meets with strong, Black female character. WORLD Disney Only major Black character GiRL WORLD originally portrayed as troublemaker, then kept only as comedic relief. CRACKED.COM

Source

11

Miracle on 34th street: CRACKED COM Is Kris Kringle really Santa Claus? 1994 1947 UNITED STATES OFA IN GOD VER TRUST We can't prove The post office God is real either delivers the mail and we still addressed to Santa believe in him, Claus to Mr. Kringle so therefore so therefore he Mr. Kringle is is legally Santa Claus... Santa Claus. Sure, why not? Case dismissed! Case dismissed!

Source

10

(1984) A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) Freddy's a stupid Freddy's an iconic looking child murderer child murderer who who's creepy but lacks stalks and manipulates wit, and who'd rather his victims, playing creative mind games hack and slash than with them before play cat and mouse with his victims. he kills them. This movie gave us nightmares. This movie is a nightmare. CRACKED.COM

Source

9

1968 Pioneering film with an avant-garde soundtrack, that explores themes of persecution and utilitarianism, and ends with one of the greatest twists in cinema history. PLANET OF THE APES E GE ED I 2001 Something about time travel and lightning storms and alternate timelines. Like Back To The Future 2 except with Marky Mark and some monkeys. CRACKED.COM

Source

8

ROLLERBALL While the original 1975 movie has its main character choose to take part in a deadly sport to regain his freedom in a corporate controlled society... The 2002 remake ЕББАL loses this premise and relies on nothing more than lots of action and extreme violence. ROLLERBALL GRACKED.COM

Source

7

TEENAGE MUTANT MINJA CRACKED.COM TURTLES 1990 The final battle focuses on martial arts and personal conflict TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2014 The final battle focuses on exaggerated CGI and destruction

Source

6

CRACKED.COM KING KONG The remake in 2005 got way The original King Kong too distracted by the human (1933) was a characters, it goes for an straightforward film that insufferable 3 hours and you kept the focus on Kong, have to wait over an hour to the main attraction. see Kong!

Source

5

CRACKED.COM (1987) Dirty (2017) Dracing This remake totally bombed, probably because it: Added unnecessary backstories and too many plotlines, turned itself into a sort-of musical, starred people with zero chemistry, and didn't really have anyone dancing dirty.

Source

4

HALLOWEEN 1978 Michael Myers is a mysterious and terrifying presence that sends chills down the spine. His childhood is briefly touched upon in the first seven minutes of the film. HALLOWEEN 2007 The remake decided to overly analyse him by spending the first 40 minutes on Michael as a child. This effectively removed any mystique and terror from the character, and transformed the movie into a boring gore-fest. CRACKED.COM

Source

3

CRACKED.COM Guess Who's Coming To Dinner? (1967) A socially relevant classic about changing racial attitudes and interracial marriage, made at a time when such marriages were still illegal in parts parts of the U.S. Guess Who? (2005) A socially irrelevant non-classic about how racial distrust is hilarious if the races are reversed

Source

2

In the 1982 Conan the Barbarian, James Earl Jones' unflappable calmness and subtle charisma made Thulsa Doom a great villain. In the 2011 remake, Miles Quaritch's villain Khalar Zym is just a run-of-the-mill cruel, violent warrior archetype. CRACKED.COM

Source

1

the Absent-Minded Professor Ned Brainard discovers a rubbery substance with unusual physical 1961 properties. FLUBBER Philip Brainard discovers a sentient goo that does comical stuff like forming shapes and dancing. 1997 Не also has a robot who's in love with him. GRAGKED.COM

Source

Related: