45 of the Best Chelsea Peretti Jokes and Moments on Her 45th Birthday

45

Gina Dazzles the Psychologists

44

On Hugs

“I don’t really like hugging that much. I’ll hug my lover while he’s inside me, but I’m not a big stranger hugger. I don’t really want your sweaty armpits on top of my shoulder tops. But there’s no polite way to turn it down. If someone’s coming in, you can’t just be like, ‘Oh, no thank you. I’ve already hugged someone today.’ But I kind of figured out a way that you can thwart an unwanted hug: When someone runs at you like this, you just grab their hands and go, ‘Yay!’ 

43

Farley from ‘Kroll Show’

Peretti was a writer on Kroll Show, and her recurring character Farley in the Bobby Bottleservice sketches deserved a show of her own.

42

A Little Musical Interlude

In Sing 2, Peretti voicied Suki Lane, talent scout for the film’s literal big bad wolf.

41

Getting Gina to Look Up from Her Phone

40

Coffee Talk

A lot of musicians make no secret about their muses, and Peretti’s two comedy concept EPs about coffee — “Foam and Flotsam” and “Phosphorescent Panic” — are supposedly just a warm-up for a full album on the subject. 

39

Gina Linetti, Dance Goddess

38

On Cats

“I had to find my roommates online. I kept seeing these ads that would be a great apartment share, but at the bottom it would say, ‘Must love cats.’ I thought to myself, ‘Actually that’s what you love; I’m just looking for shelter.’ But I did start to build this fantasy of setting up an appointment with one of these people and showing up at the door in a full cat costume. Like, ‘Meow! I love cats! We should live together!’ I’d get down on their welcome mat and go, ‘Purrrrrrr! We’re compatible!’”

37

Some Automotive Mayhem

Gamers will recognize Peretti’s voice as Lori WIlliams-Jones from the Just or Unjust broadcast on WKTT radio in Grand Theft Auto IV.

36

Gina Gets the Internet Back

35

On Dogs

“You learn a lot about people from how they are with their dogs. There’ll be some big huge dogs staring at my dog from a block away, like their whole body will lock up, and then he will walk all stiff toward my dog. The owner will be like, ‘He’s friendly. He’s friendly. He’s friendly.’ I’m like, ‘Bitch, no, he’s not. Please reconsider all your friendships. That’s not what ‘friendly’ looks like.’”

34

Gina Encourages the Youth

33

On Her Funeral Plans

“I know I want it to be an open-mic night for comedians. It’ll be advertised in the local paper: Five dollars gets you five minutes, or whatever. Because comedians are always looking for stage time, and it’ll be nice to be dead for that.”

32

Her Brief Stint in Pawnee, Indiana

Peretti worked as a story editor for Parks and Recreation during its fourth season and got to appear as a reporter in one episode.

31

Her Five-Word Acceptance Speech

When Peretti won a Webby for Outstanding Comedic Performance for her special One of the Greats, she kept her remarks brief: “The internet must be stopped!”

30

On Her Attractiveness Level

“Are you guys judging my attractiveness level? It’s a weird level. It’s frustrating, and I find that out from things that people say to me. My friend’s mom was like, ‘I thought I saw an ugly Chelsea on the street the other day.’ Okay. Basically what that translates to is that you saw an ugly person and you thought of me.”

29

Gina Going Undercover

28

On Chores

“Do you ever do one chore, and then celebrate it for 10 years? Or you have a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and you hear that one drop of water drop into it, like, “Bloop”? And you’re like, “I know!” That’s my household. Sometimes I feel like if these walls could talk, they’d be like, “Bitch, you’re back in bed again?” I’d be like, “Shut up, walls! You’re boring, too.”

27

‘Brad Neely’s Harg Nallin’ Sclopio Peepio’

Although her voice role in this sketch is very minor, Brad Neely’s Harg Nallin’ Sclopio Peepio was awesome and anyone involved in it is awesome by association. 

26

On Airplane Emergencies

“I was on a flight that had an emergency landing. That was terrifying. Here’s how that goes down if you’ve never lived through it: There’s a little PA announcement. They’re like, ‘Are there any doctors on the flight? Are there any doctors on the flight? Please come to the front of the aircraft.’ Then you see a few people start walking down the aisle, and you’re like, ‘Oh, they must be doctors.’ Then you hear, ‘We’re good on nurses,’ which is pretty disrespectful to the whole nursing industry. Pretty soon they’re just like, ‘Anybody want to see a dead body?’”

25

Gina Being Alpha

24

Her Other Turn with Andy Samberg

23

On Not Being a Good Friend

“If a friend is talking to me, I find myself going, ‘Oh, I hope I look like I’m listening,’ because I’m just tuning out thinking about myself. My friend recently called me up, and he wanted to talk to me about his sleep problems, which I knew was gonna be riveting. He’s like, ‘Man, I couldn’t sleep last night. I tried everything. I tried reading for a little while, that didn’t do it. I brewed up a big pot of chamomile tea…’

“I’m like, ‘Did you try telling yourself this story? Pretty sure that would knock you right out, ‘cuz it sucks!”

22

Diving into More Brad Neely Adult Swim Projects

This time, China, IL:

21

Gina Wins the Halloween Heist

20

On Her Husband Jordan Peele’s Directorial Debut

“I’m Chelsea Peretti. You might recognize me from my husband’s movie about our trip home to see my parents — Get Out. I was a little bit mad that he made the entire movie about my interpersonal family life, but he got the Oscar for it — we got the Oscar for it. We programmed him to do that. Oh, which reminds me, if you guys see him later, please no flash photography. It’s such a pain in the ass to reprogram him.”

19

Dialing Away on ‘Crank Yankers’

18

On Safety

“One thing I’ve learned from living in big cities is that it really doesn’t make you feel safe. When you’re walking home at night, and some guys are like, ‘Hey, gorgeous, get home safe!’ You’re like, ‘I felt a little safer before you just said that. I wasn’t even thinking about safety. I was making a grocery list, but thank you.’”

17

Gina Linetti, Matchmaker

16

‘Spinster’

15

On Sex

“Sex was so exciting at first. You’re like, ‘Whoa, something’s in me!’ Then it slows down, and people try to jazz it up. Some people talk during sex. I like to be pretty much dead silent, that’s my comfort zone. But once in a while, I’ll be like, ‘Thank you for dinner.’ Just to be a lady and show some gratitude at the appropriate time.”

14

‘Gravity Falls’

On the animated kids’ series, she voiced Darlene, the buxom blonde (and secret giant spider) who flirts with (and attempts to trap) Stan on Mystery Mountain. 

13

On Modern Masculinity

“iPhones are out of control right now. My friend got the new one, and he was complaining, ‘My thumb doesn’t fit all the way across to swipe.’ I’m like, ‘Men used to hunt.’”

12

Gina Pulls a Triple Prank

11

On Botoxed Armpits

“Do you know that women Botox their armpits? It’s not to make them look youthful, it’s to stop them from sweating. The reason I know about it is I met a girl who did it, and she was like, ‘It worked. I did stop sweating out of my armpits, but I started sweating out of my butthole.’ 

“I’m like, ‘Is that a good trade? Isn’t that kind of a deal with the devil?’ Then I’m imagining the guy who sees her out somewhere and is just like, ‘She is so fucking hot. Her armpits are bone-fucking-dry — just like I always dreamed of.’ Then he’s like, ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa!’ That’s him slipping on her butt sweat. ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m so drawn to you, but I can’t get near you! This is a whole new kind of juicy booty.’”

10

Lawyering Up in ‘Search Party’

9

Gina Announces Her Departure from the Nine-Nine

8

Playing Games in ‘Game Night’

7

On Three-Legged Dogs

“I also don’t really care for three-legged dog owners. Why are there so many three-legged dogs now? Is there an alligator pit beside a dog run somewhere that needs to be taken care of? What’s happening? I don’t like their attitude. I feel like they’re always like, ‘(hop) I don’t even notice it. (hop) I don’t even notice it.’”

6

Gina Gets Hit By A Bus…

5

...Only to Get Right Back to Work

4

On Bananas

“I don’t like eating bananas in public. That’s so stressful if you’re a girl. It’s so annoying because it’s just a portable, good snack, but if you’re a girl and you want to eat a banana, all of a sudden you’re in the position of like, ‘How do I de-dick this delicious treat?’”

3

Getting Animated with Peele

On Big Mouth, she voices Monica Foreman-Greenwald, Missy’s mother, alongside Peele as Missy’s father.

2

Gina Returns for the Final Heist

1

On Her Heritage

“I’m Jewish and Italian. I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.”