For 34 seasons (and one movie), The Simpsons’ Charles Montgomery Plantagenet Schicklgruber “Monty” Burns has been the ultimate One Percenter — the embodiment of everything wrong with rich people. But while he’s made the lives of every citizen in Springfield a living hell hundreds times over, he’s also had a sense of humor about it. Admittedly, it’s a very dark sense of humor — and almost always at someone else’s expense. But it’s not not funny. Consider the 15 examples below…
“Like my loafers? Former gophers! It was that or skin my chauffeurs. But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. So let’s prepare these dogs.”
“Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. (Smithers whispers into his ear.) And by that, I mean, it’s time for the Worker of the Week Award.”
Smithers: I don’t suppose you’ll be forgetting about this tomorrow.
Mr. Burns: No sooner than I’d forget my own mother. (Pats his taxidermied bear)
Smithers: That’s not your mother. That’s your bear.
Mr. Burns: Well, then, where’s my stuffed mother?
Mr. Burns: Men, there’s a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.
Cuts to Milhouse in a hospital bed.
Milhouse: I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he’s coming back.
Cellmate: You can’t escape the word of Jesus Christ! Burns, you shall reject Satan!
Mr. Burns: Why can’t you reject your guy?
Mr. Burns: I call our product Little Lisa’s Patented Animal Slurry. It’s a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it’s made from 100 percent recycled animals.
Lisa Simpson: I think I’m gonna be sick.
Mr. Burns: Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails you!
Mr. Burns: Ahh, nothing relaxes me like a stiff drink from the skull of Martin Van Buren.
Skull and Bones Member: Care for some Pancho Villa Burns?
Mr. Burns: Ugh, has everything in this school surrendered to diversity?
Department of Labor Officer: This power plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing soccer team from Brazil working in the reactor core.
Mr. Burns: That plane crashed on my property!
“What was I laughing at now? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman!”
Mr. Burns: Nothing lifts my spirits like shopping. Let’s see, I’ll take his liver, a case of Adam’s apples, that motorcycle man’s mustache.
Smithers: Oh, the money you’ve contributed to anti-helmet laws has really paid off, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, young people are my future.
“Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.”
Smithers: Mr. Burns, I think he’s dead.
Mr. Burns: Oh dear, send a ham to his widow.
Smithers: No, wait. He’s alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh, good! Cancel the ham.
“I want to die quietly on my own terms, crushing as many of those baby sea turtles as I possibly can.”
“‘Social Security number’: Naught-naught-naught, naught-naught, naught-naught-naught-two. Damn Roosevelt! ‘Cause of parents’ death’: Got in my way.”
Mr. Burns: Okay, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Señor Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno; Señor Burns es el diablo.
Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We’re both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!