This one takes only the barest sleight of hand, but it can be deployed almost instantly, as soon as someone at the table brings up gas prices so you can get out of there before anybody says Joe Biden’s name. Just put on a theatrical, acrobatic act of fumbling your fork out of your hands and preferably onto the dirtiest possible part of the carpet. If you can get a big ol’ tumbleweed looking clump of pet hair onto there, no one’s going to bat an eye over you going back to the kitchen to get a new fork.
Little do they know that as soon as you get into the kitchen, you’re just running cold tapwater into the sink and staring out the window, trying to will yourself into the quiet of the night. Once you re-associate, grab another fork and head back into the dining room. Then, you begin part two. Put a LOT of butter on your mashed potatoes or yams of choice. Use your hands, saying the butter’s better if it’s “kneaded in.” Say you saw it on Food Network and your mom might even try it herself. What you’ve done is set yourself up as a literal and legitimate butterfingers. Your slick, lipid-covered digits don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of holding onto decorative silverware now. Next time you drop your fork, blame it on the butter but also on the “forks being weird.”